Sun 10032004 1237

            Im at LAX in CA.  I wonder when exactly i'll be heading out.  Im already checked in.  Yay, one less thing to worry about.  I like not having things to worry about.  I've decided that time is one of our greatest Allies and one of our greatest enemies.  Time...  It exists because we put a label on something in this existance so we can try to better understand it.  It's not tangable but it is some of the most potent stuff ever.  Time is only your enemy when you let it work against you, when you work against it.  When you race the clock, when you push your luck and put off things because you think you have enough of it.  Im a pro at crastination.  That isn't a good thing.  Something i'm working on.  One of the many things im working on.  Not to make it sound like i'm plagued by problems.  I have a few yea, but most of the things that i'm working on are parts of me that are alright, but i've decided I don't want to settle for alright.  One of the things i'm working on is Time.  Or more specific, management of Time.  To quote a poem i'm working on..  "I should take the moment.  This very moment will be the one to take.  Take every moment for what it is.  Every single moment, every beat of the heart, every breath, are for the taking.  Use it to live.  Use it to find yourself.  Use it.  Never letting them slip.  Take time to better use the time you have available."  I hear about people sacrificeing the now so that the can have a better future.  But when does that stop?  When do they stop sacrificeing..  How can they ever enjoy the sacrifices of the past if they keep on sacrificeing what they have now?  You'll end up old, dusty, and the bad part is... Hollow.  Your whole life will have gone by for the sake of tomarrow.  The past will be just another door you closed behind you as you stumbled foreward looking for a new door to open. 

However.. on the flip side... and to clarify what i'm saying...  the past is no where to live either.  You'll never grow by wrapping yourself up in what has happened.  Things that have happened can not be changed.  Sometimes they can be glorified, justified, and critisized, but never changed.  You need to find a balance.  Take time in the now to look at the past and realized what happened because of what you did, then look at whats happening now and what you can do and what might happen because of that.  The past has a curious way of ducking and weaving into the soon to be present.  The same situations will pop up.  This is the moment that you decide who you are, who you will be by looking at who you were and why you were that way.  If you make the same decision twice in the same situation it might be a good thing.  But if you don't know why you made those decisions..  you cannot grow.  Growing, learning, experianceing.  These are the basics of life.  Choose to live.

Right now it is Saturday 10092004  1412

         Because of time zones im a day ahead. WOO.  But at the same time , not so woo.  Its hard to call people in different time zones.  It is also very expensive.  Im doing great, the weather is warm and not hard to deal with.  The computer im working on is so incredibly tiny.  It looks like some of the cable modems ive seen.  Im still getting processed in so i don't have a real room or address yet.  I don't know exactly how long it will take but it will be at least a couple weeks i imagine. 

I didn't really have any jet lag.  But then i really don't have sleeping patterns that i notice.  Two years over here.  Theres so much i can accomplish.  It's really all mind blowing.  I havn't been able to go out around town yet, but next weekend i might be able to.  Im looking foreward to the possibilities. 

Dreams have been flooding my mind lately.  So many little different ideas jumbling about.  Ive got so much input and so much wanting to become output.  YARR .  Well.  Have a great day i'll post again soon.  Toodles.

Its been about a week or so since i updated my bloggy. 10172004 Sunday 1907

First weekend out of the Camp.  I went to Naha and strolled a busy street looking at all the interesting shops and places where i could spend a little yen and have a little fun.  I went to a few game arcades and played against a few Japanese.  It was a blast and a half.  My money seemed to actually last longer than in the American Arcades, maybe its because im getting better MWHAHAHA.  Or maybe its because most of the arcades in the states that i've played at charge upwards from 75 cents.  I played Power Stone 2, The Rumble Fish, A "Fist of the North Star" boxing game, House of the Dead III,  Aliens vs. Predator (side scroller),  Vampire Saviour (aka Dark Stalkers), Capcom Vs Snk, (I actually placed 2nd on one of the High Score boards),  Code Veronica Gun survivor (it had Nemesis in it... funny that), A couple different Gundam games, and a few other games whose names elude me at the moment.  I probably spent around 25 dollars playing, but it was worth it.  I finished 2 and a half books this weekend, Neuromancer (William Gibson), Crystal Line (re-read.  Anne Mycaffery (sp) ) and I-Robot (Isaac Asimov 1/2 way done).   I had a few tests during the week, which were no trouble, a wall locker/Uniform inspection, had a few things miss-marked, but i took care of that soon afterwards.  I went to several battle locations from Operation Steel Typhoon (Battle of Okinawa WWII).  Took a good deal of pics and im sorry i don't have a digital camera or a scanner otherwise i would share them right away.   I eat out at a couple local restaurants and had my fill of Soba noodles, mmmm slurping good.  I learned to and forgot half of how to say "reciept please".  I guess just knowing "Reciept" might be ok for now.  I havn't picked up any language books yet, but i soon plan on doing so.  Im at the library right now and plan on picking up a few more books to read.  Any suggestions?  I was going to look for "Friday" by Robert A.  Heinlein.  So busy! Yarr.  I have to find out what YOSH! means.  Its so fun to say , but i don't want to say it anymore for fear of saying something i don't want to...  Like finding out Dork means a certain part of the anotomy of a whale.  Alrighty.  That should last a couple days.  Im doing great and adjusting well to the weather, let me hear some Replies!. 

                        Your insane fragmented Displaced weirdo, Fwiffo

10202004 1840 wednesday

Well the title says it all.  Moved from the base i was at to another one to finish "checking in" and getting all legal and all that jazz.  Found out what base i'll be working at.  Not sure what my Address will be yet but as soon as i do i'll be sure to send it to all my friends and family.  I finished a couple more books and im well on my way into "The Vampire Lestat" and working on "Friday" by Heinlien.   I get to sleep in tonight, don't have to be up until 7:00 Am woo.  I can't wait until i get settled into the place where im going to stay for a bit, cause i'll be able to get internet and update more frequently and game a bit even.    maybe even start in on typeing the rough draft to my novel.  Before ideas for new ones threaten to flood my mind as it seems they are going to.  I went through my first Typhoon.  Named tokage, we were locked down for a day, which i spent most of it reading or lazily napping.  (i prefer to call it meditation)  Dreams have a wonderful way of drudgeing up ideas that have slipped away from you during the day.  Now if yo an just bring yourself to grasp onto them with a death grip as you wake up so they don't slip away again.  Hows life everyone?   Im doing great, chilling out in a Konnect Kafe.  Any book suggestions? if not i have plenty for you, of all sorts of Genres.  If i have my computer sent here, i'll probably end up getting final fantasy :D woo.  Well anywhos, thats enough update for now, toodles.

Hello my dear web peoples, some more dear than others, but thats just because i don't know you all as well as i would like and some i don't know at all.  Im going to delve into an idea i have, hope it doesn't offend you.  IF things such as Reasons for living, good and evil, and love offend you, do not read on for surely the depths i plan on going into this rhetoric will cause you to go MAD, MAD!!! i say.

10232004 10:11 Saturday

The ancient question, "Why are we here?" and questions like it "What are we here for" "Who am i?" "Why am i the person i am."  I know the answers to these.  But for some questions, there is a different answer for each questioneer.  Why are we here?  For me... this question and answer just stands there like a pillar that reaches the sky.  It holds itself up against the wind and the ages and the quakes of the earth and stands alone.  WHY are we here? Some people when they see this they want to delve into creation.  Supreme being's decision... or chance.  I don't see the point of pokeing into that subject, cause it gets to sticky and takes to much time.  I don't see how they are really related anyways.  We are HERE.  If a supreme being made us upon this whirling blue globe of a planet, i don't see how he/she/it could have a Master Plan that involves micromanageing all of our lives.  There is no great book with dates and times that says "Today, on this very day, Carl will get a papercut."  Carl got a papercut because he wasn't paying attention and grabbed at a piece of paper to quickly.  As for chance and genetics.  He didn't get a papercut because his genes said he would, because of some urge, from hunger to the need to reproduce and pass on ones genes.  The poor bloke just has a papercut.  I use a simple idea just because i can get the point across easier than if i tried to explain the history of the world. 

      But... i still havn't said what i believe the answer is.  "Why are we here?"  my answer after many  many hours of ponderment......  "To Live".   Simpley put, to live, to experiance, to learn, to go, to understand, to not understand, to forget, to get papercuts, to share, to love, to breath every ounce of what life is and to lay back satiated before that big black curtain calls the final cast to the stage. 

    For life to be the sweetest we need to find the reason for ourselves, to experiance it for yourself.  Thats where beliefs come in.  Ideals.  People die everyday.  Sometimes its because they are murdered, killed and other deaths that involve someone else as the scissors cutting the thread of life.  These people are not destined to die.  No termination dates.  No death clock.  They die because of the circumstances around thier death.  Murder happens because the murderer doesn't respect life.  Some become twisted beings not quite alive, just fragmented peices of humans that wander life.  Its sad, but its true.  So you should protect yourselves and the ones you love from oppurtunities that may arise that could end like that.  Be smart about things and don't just rely upon the goodness of humanity.  We are not inherintly good, nor evil.  Again thats where beliefs come in.  Im going to sidestep religion and just go right to my beliefs.  Why  i do good and evil. 

    Sitting by myself halfway around the world looking up into that oh so familiar sky i pondered these things.  Why do i do good things.  I don't do good things because that makes me a good person.  I don't much care about being a "Good" or "Evil" person.  Im just a guy living with what i have done.  I'm just me.  I think about my family and those i care about and those i love.  I think about the things that have shaped me into who i am now and how at a certain point i had a decision in who i am.  At a certain point i realized that the things i do directly affects the world around me.  If i break something that was one of my siblings, it directly affects them, whether i did it on purpose or it was an accident.  The fact of "on purpose" or "on accident" affects later on but the first part, the part where they realize that they have lost something of thier own, thats still going to be there whether or not.  I don't understand love, and i don't know if i ever will, but i do know that you don't hurt the ones you love.  You don't destroy things that the people you care about care about.  So i make it a point not to do things like that, be careful about what i do so it doesn't happen on accident.

   There was a saying i heard once or twice "strangers are friends you don't know yet"  Well that could be true.  But i believe people you call friends should abide somewhat to your beliefs, or through thier beliefs, have the end result be the same.  I do good things for several reasons.  One reason, is because it feels good.  It feels good to help people out.  It feels good to make someone smile.  Its wonderful to make someone laugh.  Just as it feels horrible to make someone cry, or to see that terror in thier eyes. 

So we have an unset amount of time on this world.  Every second does count.  Be vigilent about your ideals, your beliefs and actions.   Ideals and beliefs are what are inside, your actions display these on the outside.  And its not what you say, or what you do, its what other people here and what other people see. 

Find your a reason to live.  So that you can live.  It makes everything more enjoyable.  Id love to here some of your reasons to live. 

 Thanks for your time.  I hesitate to pour all of it down, perhaps later , if people want to hear, i'll give a second helping.

   Well thats it for now, toodles.

Just a small update.  Finished Preservice.  Got a few more books to read, i have to re-qualify with my rifle in two weeks, should be fun.  I look foreward to it.  hopefully it won't be to windy.    see you all around

Ok its not THAT windy but there is a constant gust.  Its not to bad though, if found it easy enough to deal with.  Right now... i feel tired but thats to be expected as i have been getting up at 2 am.  Mmm dreams

so strange lately.  Can't talk about them.  Too messed up.  Perhaps in a little i'll share them.  Not now though mwhahah.

   Er.. ahem.  Something something Mumble mumble.  Zoneing out with a rifle in your hands and haveing a target suddenly blur but seem to grow 5 times its actual size and then just holding it while you let your finger slowly tighten until the moment it ends with the shock and surprize of the shot that just sent a round down range.  You then turn to the right and mark in a little book where you last saw your sights.     thats the range.  Then a few moments later the target comes back up with where your shot actually hit. 

  Well only have a few seconds left

later

Sometimes theres that urge to just let go a blood curdling Yop.  Get the juices flowing.  Let your aggression, your passion, your intensity blossom in one physical burst.  But then it never truly satifies.  Just like how actions in the same concept really don't satisfy and can really mess with the way the world is supposed to be.  Actions packed with emotions are dangerous.  But then life is dangerous.  We all need to know how to deal with ourselves and what comes from within us. 

Ok, its been too long since my last blogdate.  I qualified the rifle and the pistol and while sadly i dropped a level on the pistol, and am now only a marksman, i raised a level on the rifle and am now an expert.  So that frustrates me, cause i was a double sharpshooter.    ahh well. 

Im finally down to doing my job and enjoying it.  I have four days off around Christmas, but then work new years. 

Its going to suck not being home for the holidays, but life goes on and I know everyone will be happy at home at thats all that really matters, because that makes me happy.

I have a book I write in sometimes when i need a record or a way to remember things near perfectly, and its here with me in Japan.  I plan on having it filled out by the time i come home.  Whether its with doodles or with deep meaningful revelations or with silly poems.  Or perhaps with pictures pasted upon its pages. 

I now have cable internet in my room, however i do not have a computer, just an X-box and X-box live.  Chilly. where you playing Prince of Persia: sands of time last night? I was trying to get a hold of you so we could play Halo 2 or something but apparently i can send messages while your playing that game.  I thought that that was the whole idea of having games be "X-box live Aware". 

I took a training excersize that increases the likelyhood of me surviving any sort of accident while in a vehicle. WOOHOO.  Thats ALWAYS a good thing in my book.  I like high survival rate. 

I plan on having a computer built. Im not sure if i should just build something to deal with or perhaps go out and get near top of the line.  *ponders*

I've been having insane dreams lately.  Perhaps if i get anybody who interperates dreams reading my blog i'll share them and find out what my subconcsious is weaving. 

Ive been thoroughly addicted to a book series called "Foriegner: A story of first contact" by C.J. Cherryh.  Its a wonderful story of alien and human intereaction.  I suggest you pick yourself up a copy, at least to browse through. 

I watched "I, Robot" and enjoyed it.  I like how at the end of it, in the credits, they had "suggested by the short stories of Isaac Asimov"  and in a way its very accurate.

I've been on a video game rampage, beating games left and right, yet i still havn't beaten Grand theft auto III or vice city.  Most of the time i just pull over into an Ally and listen to the radio stations.

I wear my sunglasses at night. 

Another year rolling along.  Im 21 now.  I could go out and get sloshed if i so choosed, but thats never really been something ive ever wanted to do. 

Alright.. the next thing i have to say needs a space of its own.

It slipped out of this dimension too, leaving no trace whatsoever..  What was i going to say.  Was it important?  Was it a momentary infatuation with an idea?  What caused me to forget that it was what i was going to write.  I just LOVE it when this sort of stuff happens.   Speaking of love.  Maybe thats it.  Oy.  I remember now, excellent.  Going to my point the round about way... LOVE.  An things that deal with love.   Ages and Dateing.  Views from both sides.  How young is too young.  How much older is TOO much older?  Now boarding a difficult discussion, all aboard.  (hopefully the discussion has a better trip than the thoughts that lead to it) 

No one is the same as the next person.

Some people are a great deal more mature than most.  Some people are not and show just how immature people can be.  When should people generally start dateing?  When did you start dateing?  Whats the greatest Age difference you have ever had in a relationship?   How did that cause you problems in the relationship?  I realize that "society" would have its say on the situation and not only that, there would be the families views to deal with if the relationship got to one of the various degrees of "Seriousness" 

Curiosity is a great motivator.

Going to build a computer.  Wooo.  Lets see. Gotta plan before i go out there and blow a bunch of money on parts that don't work, or won't work, well together.  *ponders*

Strange thoughts spawned of inner searching and cataloging.  Ive noticed that sometimes  i shiver.  A shiver not brought around by cold, but one that appears in different parts of my body and then slips and resonates through me like a bull-horn induced echo in the grand canyon, but each echo louder and more powerful until the earth shakes.  Along with this shiver i've noticed that i react to it in a similar way.  My head jerks to the right as if im dodgeing a bullet or trying to get at a kink in my neck or as if some specteral evil is trying to snap my neck. 

Another shiver i've noticed isn't quite a shiver, but i really don't know how to classify it.  It feels as if every nerve in my body is suddenly awake and pulling every little sensation in it can, as if i can feel every little hair on my body, every centimeter of skin.  And then all of a sudden the feel changes in a way that i know i can't put into words.  But thats never stopped me from trying.     I feel warm and fuzzy.  I feel as if im growing.  I feel as if my body was lost and now its back and its oh so familiar and happy to be back.  I feel so many little things and then its gone and i go about my day.

...  There are a million pains in the world.

But of all the words that have torn my fragile ego asunder...

The words that have never been said have hurt me the most.

Ring ring ring, banana phone...

Cellular , modular.... (continues to gibber)

  What are the pains that have hurt you guys?  besides bodily?

So.... I gots a new computer... and successfully put the pieces together... HOWEVER... I think the dvd/cd rom drive isn't working all that well as when i was trying to install windows XP it kept comeing up with "COULD NOT COPY FILE CORRECTLY"  or "THIS FILE WAS NOT RECOGNIZED AS AN AUTHENTIC WINDOWS FILE".... After that pain of constantly hitting the "retry" button and having to try and re-install it a couple times i finally got it to work, However..  i still don't think some of the files transfered over properly because i have yet to get it to connect to the internet.  Also when i tried to install other programs it came up with the same problems.  This has led my warped mind to one of several ending conclusions.

A.  As mentioned before... the dvd/cd rom isn't working correctly.

2.   I didn't connect all of the pieces together correctly and thats affecting the proper order of things in computer land.

Pi.  As for the internet connectivity, it might just be that the motherboard doesn't realize it can in fact connect to the internet through my cable connection (which my x-box has an easy time of doing...)

It is 3:42 on Saturday morning on the date 1-1-2005.  Good new year to you all, hope your still enjoying the last one. 

So.. to remedy this computer  problem... im going to get a decent plain old Cd rom drive... pick up a ethernet card to install so that the mother board can say... wow its something that i can use to connect to the internet with.   Sorta like a blind man with a rocket pack getting saved off the top of a burning building by Superman. 

Wish me lots of luck. ! or if not, just don't wish me any bad JuJu.

So, finally some Solid news!  Im going on deployment to Sri Lanka to help with the natural disaster relief aid.  WOOOO I get to help people and not be evil.  Only when i can be evil and have the suave flow is when i alright with it.  Not when evil with now... finese.   when you don't have finese... you don't have anything...  So i'm heading out tomarrow morning... you might not hear from me in 30 days to 3 months maybe shorter.  Feel free ,however, to check my backlogs and reply to anything i have currently posted.  *Hugs everyone*   I'll make you all proud, i promise.  I'll see you in a couple months or so...   or if i have a few days before i go... whichever comes first.  Lots of love and insane passion. 

  Strive to have a passion for life.  Without a passion for life, anything, you can find yourself stalling.  Find a passion, what ever it is and embrace it.  Embrace it with the hunger of life that we all have inside of ourselves and for some people can seldom dig it out.  So dig life, dig it for all its worth, until there is nothing left except  a feeling of saitiation. 

  In the words of a wise space captian.  Happy days and jubilation!.   Toodles for now!

I've been thinking... I want to hold a contest.  and its gonna go something like this!

ART!  WOO

  The contest would be a 2 part dealy.  Part One.  Draw a picture of your inner Ego/self.  2 Draw a picture of either, Nomad's, Chilly's, Or My own little selfs Inner self as you percieve them.  As of right now... Neither Chilly nor Nomad know of this Idea i've had with this devious little mind of mine..  and i might have to change the second part around a little bit.  However, im planning on haveing a little prize.  Yet to be decided of course.  AND its free to enter.  I'll have it be decided by a vote to my e-mail addy.    So sharpen those pencils, warm up those scanners and boot up Mr. MS PAINT!... (he.. err.. She's a cross dresser you know..)

 * Disclaimer  I like Astrixes.

*Disclaimer two.  Rules and Regs of contest are subject to change. 

You know what i want?  For people to be Happy, To be loved, To live somewhere close to where my family lives, because i have an awesome family and its nice to be able to just stop over now and then out of the blue and have them welcome you in with open arms.   As for the happy and loved... I am happy right now, and i know that i am loved right now.  I wouldn't mind a chance in about 3 and a quarter more years to find a girlfriend , one that doesn't mind my Insanity, my Eccentricity, my energetic and yet mellow nature.  One that would be happy to ponder the deep thoughts im pondering.  Someone that sees me concentrating on something and knows im not angry, or sad, or upset, and knows thats just the face i make when im concentrating on something like writeing a web log update.  I know as i sit here...that i can honestly and truthfully live without ever having another girlfriend, i could live the rest of my life Celibate.  But i don't know if i could survive not having the family i do, and knowing that they love me with the passion that i do.  Just knowing that each and every one of my siblings loves some part of life with such passion it could make a blind man complain about the light, makes me feel all squishy inside.   I LOVE YOU GUYS!  WEEE.

I don't care if we have never before communicated.  If you see something on my blog that stirs something inside you, comment.  I love to hear the inner workings of people.  Thats why i try to spill whats building up inside me everychance i get.  I'm going to work on doing the same on other peoples blogs, just post out of the blue what i think. 

  We all have emotion.  I don't care if your a girl or a guy, its something inside of yourself that can not get disconnected all that easily.  Free whats inside, just let it spill.  I often find myself in a flurry of confusing feelings that overwhelm me.  I find a way to put most of it into words, i don't always share those words here, but i try.   Relateing with other peoples feelings and thoughts, and actions can be a very soothing thing.  especially if its something thats frustrating you. 

So Let go the rage.  Let it burn bright in the text of digits and numbers. 

We don't need no water.

Ive decided that...   while im enlisted... while im somewhere else, where i can't see someone every day...  im going to be single, and Celibate.  Cuts down on bad things happening, cuts down on relationships that are die without a bang and just a whimper.  That doesn't mean im going to draw back away from potential... (what the heck would you really call  it, mates, potential girlfriends, potential loves?  I don't know, lets just say...) Potentials.   But even this isn't fair... i might inadvertantly lead someone on, cause pain that way...  I might get hurt... But darn it... thats what ive decided.   Im good enough, im smart enough... and gosh darnit... people like me.  The'll just have to wait till i get back on the market...

Now i know how video games that get delayed feel.  Poor guys... waiting for all of those millions to rush to them and play them for everything thier worth... some will end up dusty and unused, put away for rainy days, some truly lucky ones will catch a gamers heart and be enjoyed possibly until the day they put the controller down for the last time and unplug. 

Im temporarily borrowing this from someone else, who just happened to tactically acquire it from someone else and who knows where the heck they got it, what matters is its mine now, ya hear? so check it out :D

A) First, recommend to me:
1. a movie:
2. a book:
3. a musical artist, song, or album:
(B) I want everyone who reads this to ask me three questions, no more, no less. Ask me anything you want. I'll answer what I can.
(C) Copy this and paste it in your journal

Ive had a great many very odd dreams.  Some where i end up out of my bed, some where i wake up and i swear my body is dead.   Has anyone heard of the name Yashishara?  or perhaps Washishanti?  Just a strange little curiosity im following. 

What was your last strange dream? 

You have a good grasp of the big picture.  Although you are overly blunt at times, you have a basic sense of honesty and a lightheartedness which gives the ability to connect with lots of different people.  Your overview of life makes you particularly prone to accurate projections.  You consciously strive to obtain freedom through self-understanding.  This may engage you in philosophic or religious studies, schools or more directly through travel and exploring the great outdoors.  You get closer to your goal in life when you become more concerned for the thoughts and feelings of others.  You are very quick to react and your spontaneity can be pointing to a lack of sincerity.  You learn a lot by consciously reexamining your motives and methods

Your mind naturally moves toward the big picture.  You are always looking "over the hills and far away".  You are independent in thought while honestly thinking that you are the mainstream standard of life.  You think you are "telling it like it is" but the truth of the matter is you are telling it like "it ought to be".  There is a moralizing, impulsive and propagating side of whatever you assert.  You usually miss details that others feel important, but the breadth of your vision and the joy and lightheartedness of your attitude encourages people to be open to what you say.  When you adjust to new circumstances in life, you do so briefly, always holding onto the picture of how things should be.  Your vision improves when you are able to face how things really are without discarding your values.

I have a HUGE package!  Its massive!  WOOO!...   *pauses and ponders about something for a moment*  Mail that is.  I have a huge mail package.  *pauses again and hears what it sounds like when said out loud*.. er... Parcell?  Yea thats it thats the ticket.  An item sent in december is finally within grasp!  The thing is.. its in the post office, the post office is closed.  SO i get to play the cursed infernal and eternally redundant.... waiting game!.    Tomarrow i'll mosey on down (after work) to the post office, sign for the package and finally FINALLY get it in my twisted paws.  Items of interest in said boxed object of good will and forewarded family tideings are as follows.  2 books in the series i am currently obsessed with (so i'll be able to read them in order and not have any of the plot ruined.)  some random games i had sent from my personal collection back in the states, and a few other mystery items! woohoooze.    I finally get to have my christmass morning in the afternoon on a friday in January.  Lets hear what its like for you guys to get mail from those you love, eh?

Music..  Such an astonishing strange idea.  How it can deliver a feeling in the ways that it does just blows my mind.   It can be overflowing with a message and then it can just be talking about nothing.  The versatility and range of music causes it to be just as fascinateing as the humans that create it.  1What is your favorite song?  2What song helped you heal from any sort of pain?  3What song has made you cry? 4Tell me what you think "I wear my sunglasses at night" means :D

1.  Hmm at the moment... my favorite song would have to be.. Wonder Boy by Tenacious D! Though thats just at the moment

2.  A song that helped me heal from a painful parting was..  "The Bravest Thing" by Bare Naked Ladies

3.  A song also by the Bare Naked Ladies that made me cry was "The night i fell asleep at the wheel"

4. I'll share what i think it means if i can find the lyrics.

Let your heart pump, let the blood flow,

Keep your mind straight, Make sure that you know,

Who you are, who you have been.

The night is here, the day has gone,

Hours pass as instants , but the minutes stay long,

Know yourself, know your life.

Actions of choices, following paths,

Choose or let it choose for you, deal with the delight or the wrath,

that come back from the steps you've taken, the doors you've opened.

Sometimes life is breakneck in paceing.  Sometimes it lets you lull for a  moment and you get muddled in the lack of things to focus on, the things to do.  Sometimes you know of all the things you have to do but it doesn't seem as if you can do anything and as you struggle to decide on what to do and how it all slips past you and you end up at the end, ending the day on the bed , head resting on the pillow wondering about whats next, knowing that you have to deal with what will come, wondering how the past that you were supposed to have dealt with will sneak up at you behind the guise of the future. 

Sorry i havn't posted in a while, havn't got to a computer is all. still working on my own and working on getting internet for my room.  *hugs everyone*

No, im not talking about suicide... but at the same time i am.  Not with a blade or a rope or a gun or a bottle of pills and a little bit too much scotch, im talking about the all to more common things that kill us a little bit, bit by bit.  The all to nearly un-noticeable things.  Procrastination, laziness, sloth, and lack of will to act.  Sitting there in your room and just sitting there "thinking" about what to do.  And just sitting there, as the minutes tick by.  Not keeping track of the things you should, not working on things you should. 

Sometimes you just feel like you don't have enough energy.. but thats just a lie, i know it is, because when your in a situation where you don't have the choice on whether to act or not, your going to get it done, because there is that powerful self preservation drive in all of us.  The problem is, when you are in a situation where thats not active we don't always make the best decisions with the resources and time we have on hand and can paint ourselves into corners. 

Take a look around you, take a look at yourself.  How are you killing yourself?

A man dies and is soon greeted by a seemngly mechanical creature with one electronic red eye.  It apparently is a Grim Reaper and he is to be recruited to thier ranks.  The creature explains why he was chosen and then explains what his job will be.  He is to collect the souls of the newly departed and to do so quickly and stealthfully.  As he begins to work he notices that all of the people he collects died in some sort of accident.  He then recalls his own death and realizes he too died of  a strange accident.  But something he remembers makes him uneasy.   Unsure because he died so quickly that he isn't sure of what is setting him at ends.  

He realizes that it wasn't an accident, he was killed and it was planned.  All his life he has seen strange and unexplainable thngs.  That is why they wanted to get rid of him but at the same time make use of his talents.  He doesn't realize it but he is working for a group that search out people like him to collect souls for him. 

Why are they collecting souls?  Perhaps i'll tell you now?  Most likely not.  Because i am going to write this story as well as others.  And by GOD, No one is going to stop me, NO ONE!  MWHAHAHAHA.

I'll see you all around.

What do i want out of life?  What do i need? 

I see you,

   In my dreams.
I know you,
   In my life.
I hear you,
   In my mind.

In my dreams,

  you haunt me.
In my life,

  I search endlessly for you.
In my mind,

  Your so close to my touch.

You haunt me,

     Until i'll search for....

             Your touch, close to me.

Tell me I'm not dreaming...

     that your in my life....

I know i've not lost my mind, only you.

A flash, an instant,

Of the past and present date.

Little thoughts, little actions.

Some good and they seem to resonate,

with the flood of ideas and possible ways,

That i could live and spend the days.

How, in such a peculiar manner did i fall in love.. and what MORE!?!

I wasn't looking and thought it only pain...

It happened to me now... when my heart was bitter and sore.

Then again in that end, when it was over, i was alone never to gain.

What actions laid before me, what paths would i seak,

So that in the end i would be happy and my heart is not hollow and weak.

But she found me, a link of a link of a friend of a friend, and her i found.

We talked... and then talking went deeper.

Mind to mind, truth and mystery was in which i was bound.

But there were lies...but then truth and the steps got steeper.

I found something rare.. and in myself i found strangeness that was in her eyes plain.

We found each other... and i found the interest of the textures of a souls grain.

This task before me, this endeavor ahead.

Is so very tricky, with pitfalls to which i am blind.

Even so, i venture out to meet with what will meet me instead.

Armed with so little and so much of my mind.

With love i have faith, what fear there was is gone.

I love you i trust you and to the world i say...

 BRING IT ON!!

Perhaps i will tell... perhaps... 

Perception is reality.  What you see and experiance is what you feel.  If you look around and you see no way out and the walls closeing in, you feel hopelessness and despair as if it were the end of the world.  If there is one thing i have found out about life it is, if you look for something, your most likely going to find it, one way or another.  So if your expecting a desperate situation, your going to turn it into one.  But now to take this statement and apply it to the subject and what i really want to talk about.

People...

When you see someone, you just see the physical them, as well as a few hints as to who they are.  These hints can be misleading.  How they dress, how they wear thier clothes, are they torn, are they dirty, are they loose fitting and disheveled, are they clean shaven, do they have  neatly trimmed facial hair, is their hair clean, combed, messy.  Then there is something a little deeper.  How they move...  Do they look jitterish, do they look confident or do they look nervous.  

They say you shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but whether you realize it or not your brain is takeing in this data and pondering over it. 

Then when they open thier mouth and utterance comes out...  another sense has more information to scrutinize.  Do they speak clearly, do they have a profound mastery of the language, do they have a limited vocabularly, do they use a lot of... umm... friggen... you know... filler words... eh? Do they cuss a whole *&#&@! lot.  Do they have an accent?  Do they miss use words, or is that just INCONCIEVABLE! 

So... then after i look at this...and i hear someone ask someone else the question "What do you look for in a woman?" and the response has something to do with the size of a certain portion of thier anatomy, it throws me off kilter. 

For Me...   For me.. its all of these things...  takeing them all together and patching up a mental image of them.  A woman could be Physically attractive to someone else... but then i meet them and i could be repulsed.  I've never had a girlfriend that my attraction for them was skin deep alone. 

Im not an eye guy, a hand guy, a foot guy, i don't have fixations on the rear or the bust.   The mind and personality have enough power to make any woman beautiful or gut renchingly ugly.

Thats why the internet is an interesting place for me..  I have near direct access to peoples minds and personalities.  Even if a person is putting up a facade, you can see the traces of who they really are. 

Interesting Izzy fact. ******  Every girl i have ever dated consistantly , i met first on the internet*****
          (Side note  *

Sitting hear again, listening to the slow rotation of an older fan turn on its lazy path overhead. 
I'm in my mind, at where people who know me , expect to see me.
I am in a cafe, a chipped clay mug holds murky caffinated contents.
Longer hair lays happily , spilling down and covering my shoulders.

A beat up book lays on the table before me, waiting... waiting for what all books wait for.. to be filled.
Steam rises and spreads the special type of roast that i chose to try today.
I was never here, but i should have been and perhaps i will be.
The pen will flow ink when the day arrives, the door will creak as i enter, and there will be a smile waiting for me once i sit.

I'll tell you about the contents of the universe as i see it.
I'll share the secrets i've unraveled from the furls of the shady unknown.
We'll talk about how words have weight and substance and viscosity.

Oh Viscosity!

I wrote a story, that went something like this...

There was a kid once, who was not very happy.  Things just didn't make him smile like they felt they should.  One day when he was outside he found some crazy looking beans.  Gathering them up he took them to his room to look at them better.  But as he looked at them he sneazed and down they went through a hole in the wooden floor.  Frowning he looked into the dark hole and then decided they were lost and he couldn't get to them anymore.  So he went on his sad way. 

He went to school and didn't smile.  He watched people play with things and saw them smileing.  He pondered.  He went through the day and pondered.  He wanted to be happy.  When he got home he went straight to his room and sat down and thought about the people around him and when he saw them happy. 

He fell asleep and woke up and went to school again, not noticeing the small plant growing out of his floor.  At school he realized it was the last day of school.  He felt that he should be happy... but didn't feel anything.  The day passed and soon he was home again.  This time he did notice the plant with its new size in his room.  Small flowers were growing on the outspreading stems.  Each flower was of a different color and for moments he just stood there looking at the plant. 

What sort of plant was it?  What types of fruit did it bear.  He looked at it and wondered if perhaps it had sweet fruit like apples... perhaps melons... or maybe berries.  As he thought about he suddenly felt his stomach rumble and wished he had some to eat right now.  He went and put his things away and looked back at the plant a little bit later.  He paused and looked wide eyed at the plant as a large watermelon was suspended by a thing piece of plant.  On other shoots and stems there were various other fruits.  Rubbing his eyes as he thought he might be dreaming, he walked closer and plucked a berry and popped it into his mouth.  It was very sweet and just what he wanted to eat.

To be continued....

But... i have a newfound appreciation for it. 

I disliked it because i felt that the auther was just complaining... over and over and over again.  With a main charactor with what i felt were few saving graces.  The main charactor complained about how he saw other people were fake and then.... was just as fake himself. 

When i wrote about this view in a report i got a D.   Of course i wrote the required length for the report... i just didn't want to write the same drivel some people were writeing to pass. 

It never occured to me that the author might be writeing it like that ON PURPOSE.  That he wanted the main charactor to be not liked and hypocrytical. 

Someone pointed it out to me and a few things clicked together.

As i sat here trying to update myself on the goings on of the world, theres a movie playing on the tv above this computer.  "Frankenfish"  You know.. a "scary movie"  ... ive decided i really don't like them.  Theres usually lots of killing.. and there aren't really any that have made me afraid.  They leave me with this sick feeling up in my stomach after people i've grown attached to die.  The endings and strung together plots leave much to be desired for me.  For me charactors need motivation for what they do in the movie.  Both good and bad.  One charactor i don't like is "Freddy Krueger"..  He was a child killer... who happened to get exactly what he deserved.. ..  that should have been the end of the movie... bam.. "THE END" the house burning down.  But some how.. HE wants revenge... and does in fact come back..and keeps comeing back.. thats why i went to see "Freddy vs. Jason"   To see Freddy get messed up.  Plus i thought it was fitting that it was a fight between a child killer and killed child. 

Gremlins... i liked that movie... but it wasn't the same trashy flick like some of the other movies i've seen.  Its the only movie that have ever given me nightmares.

"THEM" now theres a movie.  GIANT ATOMIC ANTS! wooooo

AND THE POST COMES IN THE NIGHT! *guitar Riff* 

Has anyone else played Peasants Quest?  Its a flash back to the days of the old adventure games with "type controls" like "Get flask" "throw flask" "look Flask" and stuff like that.  Nostalgia floods the senses leaveing you to bask in a soup of a time bubble as you bumble around the MSPaint worthy artsy environs.  I wish more people would go back to the roots and make games like these. 

Theres a game for the Playstation 2 where you control the charactor through voice commands via a headset.  I should check that out.  Anyone know the name off hand?

Ok so i've been working on and off on my computer for a while and during some of that while its been packed up.  I got it at around the turn of the new year.  There was something wrong with it where i couldn't install things correctly, i would get the error that the files weren't copied correctly or that they were invalid files or that they were corrupted, so i thought at first... its the dvd/cd rom i bought.. or maybe it was just the windows disk i was using... so i got a new windows disk.. unfortunately it was the upgrade... so i had to go back and get the real one.   When i installed it i seemed to have a lot more luck.. however i was still having troubles... 

So then i reformated the hard drive... and then a message came up saying that the hard drive might be damaged.  I had never even thought of the hard drive as the culprit.  but it does then make sense.  The dvd/cd rom drive can't copy things correctly if the thing its copying them to is messing them up.. so im going out and getting a new hard drive, getting the internet for my room and just for good measure a regular cd rom drive. 

Water water.. water water..  i need more of it. 

More of it till my body tells me NO MORE!

But i havn't been getting enough...

When you don't get enough, normally normal things seem hard.

Hard things kick you in the shins and steal your milk money.

And your standards jibble and throbble about.

I lost weight.  Is it good ?  I think it was muscle.  Is that bad?  What should i do?

Should i start working out more?  should i start eating more?  what should i eat?

One thing is for certain i need a stronger self driveing mechanism in my psyche. 

Its like this, and thats how it its.  I am here and the things i need to do flee from my mind.  The things i should do hide.  They seem daunting.  Procrastination looks at me with its sweet venomous stare and i shudder as i go numb and i find time a fleeting thing.  Sleep is in cahoots with it all and i hate it so.  But the dreams keep me comeing back for more even though i know im not truly tired.

Bam. BAM.  BAM.  Foot steps as i run.  I hear my hearing throb with the pulse of my blood and the step of move.  WOOM WOOM WOOM.  I hear then don't hear, silence then sound. Repeating.

I need a nice little coffee house where i can read and write my bad poetry at the frantic pace it comes to me, smokeing my pipe or perhaps a ultralight , or perhaps not at all because i quit.  Holding a cup of steaming bitter black coffee with its natural delightful sweetness.

The smoke or the little bit of creamer that swirls and swirls and dissapates and flows away leaveing only traces of its existance.  But always there in my mind. 

WEEEEEEEEEEEE

Frickidy FRA! gibearaha.  SHEK .... URGG.... ARGG>.. GARR!   ...  MARRNg..

 Somehow typing that out isn't quite as satisfying as saying it outloud while waving your hands about...

I had a webcam thing... except it wasn't really it was a digital camera i could use as a cam..  But it drained batteries like heck and didn't have a stand... so i was sad.  But then i thought maybe the story close by had a web cam.  So i went.  And it was windy.  I looked and looked and looked but i didn't see a webcam, so i bought snowblind.   and i looked more... and bought starfox.  Then i left and stopped and returned and bought light globes.   And then i thought... hmmm  an Eye toy... i wondered... and i devised and i gambled...  So i bought it.. and brought it back "home" Then i journeyed upon the net until i found what i was looking for... a way to make it work...  and it did and its good.

I have to understand.  Please show me.  Please tell me, just let me know whats going on.   Now i step away from you.  You don't know what its like over here without you in my life.   Please show me... tell me of your point of view and why i can't be there anymore.  I need something to stabalize the loss of my mind.   I am lost.  I am searching for you but you don't want to be found.  I need to quit.  I need to stop, but something about your voice in my head doesn't fit.    Please tell me, tell me to go away.  No more words anymore.  I need some words now, some more now.  No more words anymore.  Just the pause of dead air then a click.

(that is written for the short story im writeing for a tattoodJen, more to come sooner rather than later)

At times i feel less then careing.   There are things that have happened in my life that just leaves me with an... "oh".   And then there are times in my life where something shakes the pillars on which all that i am is precariously balanced.  Death has been in my life for as long as i can remember.  It is one of those things that you can't hide from and is there to be looked at no matter what situation.  One of those things that can seem hidden within plain view.  Death.   Stephan King said in one of his novels "if being a child is learning how to live, then being an adult is learning how to die."  (not exact quote)  When you become a parent and you see birth first hand... i imagine death becomes that much more real.   When do you realize that yes you can indeed die, and totally believe it.  I remember when it became so totally real for me.   

Now death has touched my life again, but from what i hear it was just a caress telling me in a way to remember what i am here for.  To live.  

My step-father as i knew him was a strong-willed individual.   He had certain things that he believed in.  He did believe in proper manners and courtesies.  He always nagged me to take my hat off when i came into the house and not wear a hat in the house.  Well now that im a marine thats second nature, but at the time i didn't see exactly what he was getting at.  Now i do.  

I don't know if he realized it, but he did affect our lives.  In some ways positive and in some ways negative.  Sometimes the negative things he did influenced me positively.  There was this one time when he was harping on my little sister about something and i just went over the edge and got up , walked over to him, face to face, and just let it all go.  At a volume i didn't know i had at the time i explained exactly how words can cut through any defense, how it may not seem like it but critisicm can be worse than physically attacking someone and can cause a longer lasting damage.  I remember one thing i said clearly "Do you think i want to go to therapy later on in my life?"  He just stood there, takeing the outpour from me as i said everything i had to say.   When i was finished i just walked away and went to my room.   When my mom came home she came and saw me, asking me "so tell me what happened." My mom always sees both sides before usually makeing a decision.  And so i told her exactly what happened, leaveing nothing out.  She then told me that he had thought i was going to hit him.   I think i laughed outloud, because that was the furthest thing from my mind at the time.  In fact thats the oppisate of what i wanted to show him.  I wanted to show how badly words could cut.   Its been at least 2 years from that outburst and i havnt' had anything of the sort since. 

When my mom was dateing him i remember he brought over "nightmare before christmass" for us to watch.  My mom started dateing him when we were doing theatre at a local community theatre.  Willy wonka and the chocolate factory.  I was a squirrel.  No geese, just squirrels.  

He enjoyed trains and miniature modeling and i admired the skill it took to accomplish what he did with it.  I think its then that i cry, that he never got to finish what he was planning with that.  He never stopped planning that.  Even as his health got worse he didn't close himself out from the world as he could have so easily done.  He had to stay in his room because of the machine that filtered the fluids from his body.   The last time i called it was him on the phone and he seemed so cheerful.   Im happy that i got to meet him and have him as a stepfather, and while my mother and him had thier troubles i don't doubt that they loved each other. 

So Here's to love, Heres to learning, and by god, Heres to model trains.

Im addicted to something and theres no going back, i don't want to quit , i don't want to stop, i just want more, i want to make it mine, i want to make it special, i want to share the fixation, i want to spread the infection.  Hello, what are you drinking there?  You know you could be drinking something better.  Hello is that an energy drink?  Hah, you call that an energy drink?  I could open a can of whoop-ass upon your scrawny hide, what would your energy drink do then?  And is that lip gloss?  Hardly, i doubt it even comes in green apple.  MMMM green apple.  Tastes great, real great.  Mmmm good, good for you, good for me. 

 ...............................................  JONES SODA!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Shameless Promotion!   www.jonessoda.com

It is soda, its lip gloss, its an energy drink called whoop  ass, its also a natural fruit juice drink that leaves sobe and snapple in the dust. 

Its custamizable, its witty, its like a fortune cookie.  Its profound, its stupid and fun.  And I LOVE IT.

Suspecting stuff... Hunches... ponderments, hopeful rationalizations...   Those are my thoughts on Resident Evil 5.   Not being at my computer puts a damper on putting up the case i am about to submit. 

A while ago, while randomly browsing the internet i happened across an announcement of "RESIDENT EVIL 5".  I think it was at IGN.com or some similar sight..  ANYway, they had a nifty little teaser clip of the game (which i later found out they had released without realizeing it wasn't supposed to be released)  In the said film clip (which i was sure i downloaded onto my computer and have yet to find exactly where, or what i had named said file)  it shows a man walking in darkness, pistol in hand.  The man has decently short dark hair and looks to have a light tactical setup of gear and gear harnessing on his body.  Across his back is slung what appears to be a large machette-ish knife... far more impressive then the survival knives of old.   (though the knives in RE:4 were a pleasent surprize).  Anyways, said protagonist(assumption) continues to walk in the dark until you see a raven feather fall and suddenly the sound a great many birds fluttering in take off reveal blinding sunlight... leading me to believe that the darkness was caused by a great many number of roosting ravens... (scary thought in the RE universe).  The next scene shows either the stumbleing legs of zombies or the shadows of the same thing.  Back to the protagonist, looking around, surveying the area of danger.  Back to the Zombies in what i believe is now from thier perspective when suddenly... suddenly and without warning... they begin to run....  WEEE.   The final bit of the clip shows the Human charactor suddenly turning to the new threat and aiming in with a decent view of his face.

Now my question is.... WHO... is this individual... where IS he at.   WHAT exactly is causeing the Zombie like creatures.

I think that i can answer the WHO.   Looking at this charactor....i can't place him with any known charactor faces.   I've heard people (who seem very excited to say so, and hopeful i must say) that its Chris Redfield, but i don't think that is the case.   Not at all.  I think that the individual is from Resident Evil 2.... and makes an appearance in Resident Evil 4, though not in the regular game....  Also he has his own Epilogue which you can unlock in RE3: Nemesis

First my  reasons for why i don't believe it is Chris. 

A.  He doesn't look like him.  Now i will admit that the Leon from RE:2 and the Leon from RE:4 don't look exactly alike (The playable charactor model from RE:2 looks more like the Leon in RE:4 than does the Cinimatics version)  But then you look at Code Veronica, which Is still visually Decent and then you look at the charactor from the teaser and i don't see much resemblence other than they both are men, men with guns and hair on thier head....

B.  Speaking of hair...  Chris seems to have some sort of Military haircut... (definately not Marine corps however)  While the mystery man seems just to have short hair.

C.  Talking more about hair... the mystery man has facial hair... at least 2 to 3 day stubble..  I've never seen Chris with any sort of Facial hair, not even in the epilogues.

So... who do i suspect is this Individual?

My answer would be...  Mr. Death.   or  Code name HUNK.  The Umbrella Security Forces agent.  And here is my reason why.

Take the picture of him in The epilogue from RE3:Nemesis (the one where a pilot refers to him as Mr. Death) And you look at it.  You then look at the charactor from the film clip.  They look like the same person.  The thing which i believe is the critical link is the Facial hair.   In both images they have 2-3 day stubble.   That and they just look incredibly alike.  The look of the hair, the nose, the eyes, the jaw.

Perhaps its just wishful thinking.  Perhaps.  But why else would they have him in so many little back niches of the games?   The 4th survivor mission from Re:2  The Epilogue from 3, the unlockable charactor for the Mercenaries game in 4, the unlockable (by cheating device) playable charactor in Both Resident Evil Outbreak games. 

I mean the guy has his own merchandise for Goodness sakes (A collectable 4th survivor Zippo lighter, 2 seperate action figures as well as a bust of him with gas-mask.)  Why shouldn't he be in Resident Evil 5, it would tie perfectly in the possibilities of the storyline....

So... what are your thoughts?  Am i streaching the limits of presumption with this Essay ?  Perhaps i am...   but only by a hair...

Angry tears of lightning burn up the night sky,

its a bit frightning when I see them that i think of you.

Not sure why when i think of you that my voice floats away.

I stand in dark, i stand in the light and I dream of you.

My words are wrong, but my world is right.

Upside down, with thoughts that don't belong.

I lose what i was going to say.

Why do these things happen in my dreams.

Its what i want but know i can't have and greedily guard.

My sleep just isn't what it used to be, infected by reality.

I doubt these roads and take sure steps foreward.

I'll see you again and i'll see you around.

Sometime in the future for the first time.

Hello from halfway across the world, (for most a yas). On my last day of Vacation/leave here, on base, watching as a light rain drips down on the earth.  I can't help but ponder over the contents of the last few weeks.   I feel different.  I feel like myself and i feel right.  I did a lot of not thinking lately.  Just feeling and acting.  I saw a lot of friends, familiar faces and met people for the first time for the second time.   Now i'm back to work.   Back to two more years of a different look on life. 

Since i left my computer at home i have to use the computer cafe place.  But curses upon them for having a large t.v. hanging from the ceiling.  I can't help but look up at it and watch the flashing images.  Curses.   Curses.   I'm paying for time and the show is distracting me.   Its the movie "big"   tom hanks.  His name is josh in the movie.   Tugs of familiarity.   I have a limited amount of time because i'm using a free hour that i gained yesterday.   Mind is muddled now.  I had a thought but now its mismanaged for the moment. I'll remember it later.  Curse you once again T.v.  and A.D.D. that only kicks in when im trying to do something around t'vs.

Soon, i will be going to skate.  On Ice, in Naha Okinawa, on a subtropical Island for the first time  in a long long while.  Its going to rock.

...  ...  ... hmm...  its awfully quiet in here..   this is the inside of my head.  Odd that right now its quiet when usually it is quite un-quiet.  Lets have a look around shall we?  Thats my barrel of deviousnes.  Its rather full and gets more so everyday to the point where i have to use some to keep it from overflowing.  Up there above us is usualy a brain storm brewing, though right now its clear skies.  All long the walls are crayon scribbles of memories on any patch that isn't covered by snapshots of said memories.  My morals are everywhere and usually keep this place together, though sometimes it feels like a tin shack in a hurricane.  All about you would see piles of papers that are the many works in progress of stories and plots and charactors.  Now and then you might here ghostly 80's music playing.  My ego is nowhere to be seen...  Though i think i should find it, because it seems to be connected with my Confidence which also is Absent.  Though i make due with a paper mache one that has glitter.   But back to the deviosity which is about to breach its brim.  I read...

As a friend of (insert name here), you can (and should) edit this page!      So......Who wants to Edit my Wiki Page?  Its a blank sheet now... but that shouldn't be the case for long.  *nudge nudge wink wink* eh govenah?

But i've realized thats not why i blog. Its better to be listened to anyways. 

Time is ticking down to when i get on a big metal boat and float off onto the ocean.  New places to see.  New dirt to get under my nails.  Newness.  Lots of it.  Learned about "trafficking in persons"  which is a fancy way of saying "slavery".  It's Crazy to know that it is still going on.  This world is so diverse, and while day by day new technologies make it easier and easier to see the world around you without leaving your home, there are plenty of flashing lights and jingling noises to distract us from reality.  Darn double edged dualisms...  We don't always want to know whats out in the dark night.  Wrapped up and laying down in our beds were content to tell ourselves that the scratching on the window is just the wind making a tree's branch brush up against it.  Just a little bit of input, perhaps bring something into the light that people didn't know about.  Knowing is part of the battle. 

About life and what not.   Its good and full.   About who i am.  I'm good and growing yet.  About the future.  Lots of things to chose from.  Maybe i will go into dentistry.  Dental Hygenist Fwiffo.  That does have a good ring to it.  About books and paper.  I think i can't find something i want to read because i can't find anything that is like what i want to write.  So to paper i need to flock and pour out the ink with my thoughts riding the rapids of the black obsidian flow.   About relationships and lonelyness, both of those can wait until later.  I am a rock.  I am a desert creature that delights in the snow.  I am sane distilled in insanity.  I am happy and sober.  I am grim and cheerfully so.  I don't know how i am from the outside cause i only have these two eyes.  Myself.  Me.  I love you all :D.

I've got my own little conspiracy. 
I see something only i can seeee.

The question is who?

my answer seems true.

Resident Evil 5, rumors and funk

I betcha the hero will be hunk.

I betcha, I betcha

Blocking.  Holding me back.  Coiled around my mind.  blocking things out.   i gotta get free.  gotta free my mind.   Ahh well...  I'll figure things out.

So this is it.  This is blog post 200.  I get on the ship tomarrow. Wowsers.  Today I was able to look around the inside of the ship.  The experiance felt... old.  Like i've experianced it before.  But in that aspect it was exciting like revisiting a childhood home.  This isn't the first time i've experianced something like this while in the military. 

What took me to the location was ... well... to be completely deadpan and literal... a vehicle did.  A vehicle that was not a patrol vehicle, and was not a Hmmv.  (High Mobility and movement vehicle).  It was a van.  The reason i was driving that vehicle was because well... i'm now the CO's driver.  (commanding officer)  So there i am driving with my CO and my Seargent Major (at that rank you can't get any higher)  In a place that has some of the worst driver's i've ever seen.  I've driven around Chicago before... and these people really.... really ...make you cringe.  While driving back i had someone pull out in front of me from the other side of the road.  It was quite the experiance.  And while my little sister might not agree, i am a decent driver.  After that heart pounding experience i hear "Well Done"  like a voice insert from Mortal Kombat.  

So... this new job is quite different.  I still do the same work... its just now when ever anyone high ranking needs a ride, i'm getting a call.  It has it's upsides and it's downsides because of the fact that being noticed can be a good and bad thing.  

So with going off to different countries on float and all that jazz, i might not have a lot of time or oppurtunities to blog a lot, but i'll try.  If anything I can write to Nomad and have her post things.

So i've been keeping a journal of my spent time and the events that have been happening while i've been on this trip.  This is the first time i've made it to a computer for a while and so i'm just giving a little note in a bottle for you all to find and say "Yay, he's alive and not quite sane" situation normal.

  Not quite Snafu though.  

  So pinching the moments i have as i uplink to you all and give you the thoughts that have been dragging through my mind.  

1.  The moon is beautiful.

2.  Orion is a nifty Constilation

3.  Meals Ready to Eat, are much better warm

4.  Rumours about ones anotomy and size are usually only egged on by trying to deny it or be truthful about it.

5.  The wild life seems to like me.

6.  Guam Rocks.

7.  Refer back to 6.

8.  When i'm alone i'm not lonely.

9.  7 inches i say, honestly i say, but do the believe me? 

10. Deployment is alright, but i have yet to experiance "the field"

11. JP-8 (the fuel name for the humvee) really stinks when you get it on your hand.

12.  I can jump over a 2 man tent.

13.  I miss all of yas.

So those are just a few little insights.  I hope to have the chance to post again soon, but who knows.  Tomarrow Liberty starts.  That means i am let loose upon Guam's Nightlife.  Yay.

So i was doing laundry and while it was washing i decided to check the computers out. To my surprize there weren't any lines. So i waited for one of the blokes to finish up and hoped on.  Its been a while since i was able to get on once more and a lot of stuff has happened since then.  A horrible mudslide happened in the philipines and so my unit is helping out with that.  The plans we had for training were kanked.  So this is what i'm up to.  I hope we can do a decent job of helping out. 

I miss home and my friends but being able to do this and be here isn't something i would want to give up.  I joined for a lot of reasons, one of which was to help others out. 

Wish me luck  Don't have a lot of time to write, so i'll throw some things out without explaining them.

Read Dead Ball (a blood bowl novel)

Thought about friends.  Wish i had better means of communication so i could talk with them.

Thought about the future and possible paths i can take. 

Well.. i'll talk with you all later.

Love yas

Reduced to communicating through Myspace and Mindsay.  I don't have access to yahoo, msn, or aim messenger like i would if i was back in okinawa with a computer in my room.   I don't even have access to my hotmail or yahoo e-mail let alone my military address.  Stupid website blockages.  So i have to stay flexible and search out ways to communicate.  

I'm sore from yesterday.  These hands of mine moved at least one and a half tons of relief supplies.  Unloading trucks into a warehouse and stacking boxes and pileing bags of rice.  The supplies came from all over the world.  Luckily i wasn't alone in my endevours of manual transportation of objects.  I had a few people who like me volunteered to go help out.  There were also a platoon of Philippines Marines we worked with.  All of us together moved a gargantuan amount of items. 

I don't sweat much at all.   Even when i thouroughly exert myself.   But yesterday my shirt was soaked with presperation.  

I havn't recieved any paper mail yet but then i really havn't given out my address to anyone.  Nor have i sent any paper mail out.  You reap what you sow i spose. 

A constant back burner runs in my mind analyzing every situation and event i encounter or watch take place, wondering if perhaps i could write about it but change the events around for my story.  Sort of like a scrap artist vigilently watching for the next item to add to his project.  Hopefully my story will be more entertaining then George W. Bush Rendered with scrap parts and junk metal.

I think about complete singleness.  Singularity.   Being a bachelour.  No prospective mates in the horizon.  Not even desires nor wants. 

A book I am looking foreward to very much comes out in March.  "Pretender" by C.J. Cherryh.  Another novel in the "Foriegner" Series.  I can't wait.  Perhaps i should see about ordering it now so i get it as soon as possible.  IF it is possible to do so.

Ponderments... Ponderments.

There was a young boy who had a demon slip into his soul.

It tried to eat everything inside and wanted to leave just a hole.

The boy didn't know it but the demon leached on.

Strangely it couldn't finish of the feelings until they were gone.

The boy had a family who loved him a whole bunch.

The love that welled inside him made a lovely lunch.

But the demon didn't know this feeling all around.

It filled him and drowned him without a sound.

But the demon didn't die, it trembled and he shooked.

The warmth and joy sunk in and he was hooked.

It wanted more and it wanted more, couldn't get enough.

So it set out once more to find more of the stuff.

(just had a strange thought that grew into this. Needed to write it down)

When I got home for Christmas, my dear sister Nomad and her diabolically wonderful huzband Chilly gave me a delightful gift.  Without knowing i was arriving for the holiday they had given me a beautiful sturdy journal book in which i could write to my heart's desire as well as a $50 dollar gift card for barnes and nobles, which was superb seeing as i could use it to order things online.  And now that ace up my sleeve is being played as I order "Pretender"  which i'm sure i have mentioned before in my rants.  With any luck i shall see it within a week or two.  Getting mail to a ship in the ocean can be quite and ordeal.  But it will definately get to me before this deployment is over.  Until then i need to rig up a water tight way of protecting my precious expectation.  It will need to be durable.  Ponderments.   Well thats enough for now, i must retire to my "Spacious" sleeping quarters, also known as a berthing. 

        Well, cheerio and all that jazz.

I'm driving higher ranked individuals again.  Except now... in a van with a "standard" transmission.  I don't.... well..... didn't know how to drive standard.   Weee.   I never thought it possible.  I have found a place with worse driver's than Okinawa.  S-korea.   Wowsers.

So... it was a strange day yesterday.   I wake up in my cold tent... with a small bubble of warmth around me.   A bare arm slithers out of the small hole at the top of the sleeping bag.  It has a collapsable opening with a cord and a clasp so that you can be completely covered if you wish.  The hand darts to where my memory places my clothes for the day and greedily pulls them back into the warmth.  I slip on the clothes and send my arm on another expedition to complete my uniform.   It is then that I slide out of my caccoon and go about my morning hygiening.   A little bit later I go down to the system command area thats been designated for our trip in Korea and run into an officer.  Not literally, but he stops me and i say good morning in the proper greeting.  After that he asks.  "Which van do you drive?" and i reply "the green one sir" 

"do you know how the dent got into the back of the van?"

I'm still sleepy and my mind isn't grasping all the facts of the day, so i'm unprepared.  "no sir i do not" I reply, myself wondering how it got there.

"Yea, theres a big dent in the back, one of the tail lights are all smashed up"

My mind suddenly kicks into gear and i start thinking about the debris such a smash would cause, and other such tail tell items that would tell me where it might happen.  I'm going to ask about this when the officer speaks.

"just be prepared to make a statement about it ok?" 

"yes sir" i reply and am about to ask my questions when he says "oh... and April Fools Day"

...   ....   ... "oh..."   "good one sir"  it was good... its just... against me... with my gullibility....it loses some of the greatness it might of had.

Later on in the day after a formation (its the first of the month, people get promoted on the first of the month if they rate it"

All of the drivers are called up and a different officer starts to talk to us. 

"Who here drives the Silver van?"  I don't but i see everyone else does.  "Does anyone know how the dent got into it?"  A sliver of deja vu.  No one knows anything about it... or at least doesn't say anything they do know.  The officer speaks again  "Its on the sliding door, and the door jams, so i'm thinking that someone was trying to open it and pushed to hard against the door and caused the dent"  no one says anything.  "Anyone know anything about it"   I suddenly am very suspicious... two dents... on vans?  Both announced by an officer?   He has to be pulling our legs...  It is april fools day....  "I think i saw a Yeti near it sir"  ... wait a minute... i just said that... with a straight face.  He looks at me with a face matching mine.  "A what?"   He has to be jokeing... "A Sasquatch sir"  Its then that i realize... wait... he's not joking.   My face is still straight...His is deadly serious.  Ahh crap i think.   "Did anyone ask you to make a joke here?" he says.  "What section are you in?"  I reply with the information.  He looks at me, rather ticked off now.  "Get out of my sight... i don't even want to look at you right now"  dang it... i think and turn around and take a couple steps and just stand there, seeing if there was any more information he had to pass, and staying nearby just in case he wanted to chide me for such behaviour....  He doesn't and he walks off.  So i find the guy who is in charge of me... and i tell him about the problem.  Better to hear from me first so that he isn't cought off guard in case the officer decided to talk to him about it later.  He seems to take it rather well and even finds the situation amusing.  But the difference in my mind is that i told him about what happened this morning first...with the other officer.   He tells me not to worry about it... and that he will forget about it.   But... people never really forget about small things like that.  It drops down into thier subconcious to affect decisions in the future, tipping the scales without them even realizing it.  So later on i go and find the officer whom the prediciment was with... and i explain what exactly caused me to say what i did.   Luckily he finds it funny.  He warns me that it always isn't the best idea to joke around with officers like that... with me being enlisted and all.   

 The rest of the day where ever theres a discussion going on between people in hushed tones... i swear i hear the words... yeti... bigfoot..... and sasquatch.

Slick, real slick.

The oil feel of your heat flowing.

It is lost in the breeze.

I see snowflakes.  Large and fluffy as only snowflakes can get.  Drifting down, they stick to me.  The ground melts them upon impact.  In the distance i watch rounds impact against a mountain side, doing little to topple its peak.  My body tightens and shakes as it produces more heat.   My mind drifts like those powdery wonders dropping slowly.  I decide to slip in my earplugs after a large concussion rips the air.  What a day that was.  

It happens to have an internet connection.  I have had a couple drinks in my system.  not to much that i'm inchoherant.  But enough that i have set a limit to not drink anymore.  Its a nice little bar, lots of people that i know are in here.  It is not to late, about 9:26 at night.  The mind is a strange thing.  When you have something in the blood stream affecting your thoughts it is even odder.  I can think like normal, it just takes a lot more concentration.    I don't like getting so drunk that i can't think straight.  I like the taste of some drinks, and that is why i drink, not to get drunk.  There is not much worse than not being able to control yourself because of drugs or alcohol.  I havn't done any drugs, becides cigs and alcohol and i don't plan on doing any more than that. 

Music plays in the background, an odd murmer of words that you can't really pick out because of how much is going on, a faint smell of smoke from all the lit cigs drift in the air.  countless half empty and completely empty drinks litter the tables.  From the window you can see the second stories of the buildings across the street as well as the sidewalk which endless amounts of enlisted individuals walk upon as well as the local nationals.  Its a strange taste of the local environment.  places like this pop up all over the place to cater to the tastes of the groups that visit the country.  So its not a complete taste of the country that your visiting but it has hints of the background.  

I love you all. *huge hugs*

Right now i don't feel like posting, but  i do need to update.   So bare with me.  Rifle Range next week.  I enjoy the range and shooting in general.  To me, its very relaxing.   I love the amount of focus i can give to it with an undivided attention.  Hopefully the weather is good.  If not i'll be able to deal and overcome any obsticle but heres hoping. 

It happens every day.  The things that you do when your doing without tether or cord.  The rampant runaway regular run of the mill ramblings that life so often rolls on down your road.   Regretfully you find yourself at that spot where you should pause and realize that this might not be something you would do.  Regretfully you go right past it , giving it away to regret not realizing that you could get a different ends to the means without the means you've meant so well in using.   Not always though, sometimes you go bumping along, jukeing and tumbling, ducking and weaving and generally rolling with the punches and you hit the beat of the song that tunes and ties the background you want.  To be good.  To do what is right.  To turn the other cheek.  To love your brother and enemy as yourself.  It happens everyday.   But your around everyday.  So you decide in the end... what happens.

Steal my heart.  Its gone and now i feel nothing beyond what is there in your grasp.

Steel my heart.  So its hard and i feel nothing beyond what i try to grasp.

Rip it out, tear it out, get it out.  I can't take the touch of you anymore.

Take it out, reel about, and fall down without, because of you.

I can't understand what things were needed to be self sustaining when your maiming my soul.

Stitching up and strapping down all that was torn and loose so its not taken by your enigmatic pull.

I stand against a wall, wanting to get past it, not willing to back down.

I stand despite the fall i keep taking when i let myself loose from the ground.

Grind me down, wind me down, tie me down to keep me from going overboard,

Slow me down, cool me down, don't let me hound you to let me go.

Its all this and that and all about what i can't tell you i need to let go.

I want to hold onto hope that despite the odds something could grow.

I'm confused...

see.   I don't like getting mad.

I don't like hurting people.

I don't like other people getting hurt.

What makes it all so horrible is not being able to do anything about it.

SAY NO TO DOMESTIC ABUSE.  Do more than say no.  Avidly oppose it. 

Silver dull sliver slipping into the stream of my blood.

Silt like sediment sits idley in sticks of clear tubes.

It floods and fills and is folded into the millions of cells flowing forever about.

Electronic pulses picking at the pinpoint bright light in my mind filling it with these thoughts.

They grow and change and fill out as they grow and i'm lost in them.

Music.  

Found out some news.  I'll be going to Cali come Oct!

So... I've got plans in the make.  Irons in the fire.   Plots.  Merhahwhaha.   ... wait... they aren't evil.  I promise.   I just get excited all.  So as you might know, i like the Resident Evil Character HUNK.  Anime Reactor is coming up this OCT.   Thats when i'll be coming back to the states.  

I've Cosplayed Duo Maxwell from Gundam Wing.

                        Walter From Hellsing

                        Onikage from Tenchu: Stealth Assassins.

This time... I'm gonna be HUNK.  WOO. 

I also plan on trying to make a Rikimaru charactor also from Tenchu: Stealth Assassins.

Onikage had long hair.   Rikimaru has short hair.  Perfect for my current situation.   Now i just have to put together a Ninja Costume....  The Hunk costume is already coming together, and i feel its gonna rock socks.   That reminds me... i need some Reflective red tint... can't forget that...

Merhahahaha

I can't believe how it seems to fit.  Whimsically i think.... "I'm gonna look right now for some Costume parts"  sincerely doubting the chance of finding anything remotely usable.   Thats when i see it...  A gas mask... a near perfect gas mask for my costume.   So i look for a helmet.... and bam... there it is...   and piece by piece i find the needed parts for authenticic delightfulness.    When i get the chance to put it all together... its going to be quite an experience.   Hehehe.   So here is a list of all the needed parts.

Helmet                                                 (check) 

Gas Mask                                            (check)

Black BDUs (trousers + Blouse)           (not yet)

Gloves                                                  (check)

Boots                                                   (check)

Load Bearing Vest                                (check)

Balaclava/hood                                      (check)

Hydration System                                   (check)

2 two way radios                                    (check)  

Faux MachineGun                                   (check) and (check)

Med Kit                                                  (check)

2 Random Pouches                                 (check) 

Red Window Tinting 5% visibility             (not yet)

Optional Parts

Throat Mic for 2 way radio

Faux Grenades (Red, blue, Green)

Now all i need is... glass tinting for the goggle pieces.  Of course there are the optional pieces as well.  Which i have a few pics off.

I think that having these two items would be a perfect addition to both my HUNK outfit as well as the Ada Wong outfit of my friend.   I was thinking about buying extra Virus Capsules just to sell at the convention.

Its 38 Baht to the dollar here.  Everywhere in the immediate vicinity of our designated liberty area is crowded with people pushing thier wares.  They get in your way, get in your face, try to put thier items in your hands....  After a few encounters I found out pretending to be blind and walking straight without wavering deters thier advances.   Unfortunately inanimate objects are often hard... and most of the time at shin height.  All manners of items can be found on the streets...  fauxlexes, fauxkleys, all manners of real immitation knock offs.  Vun Dutch brand shirts...    When it comes to clothes and fashion i don't pay for the name, i pay for what i like.  Unfortunately it often takes me to see something before i know i like it.  

At some point i wander into a tailored suit store and get measured and choose out some designs for a 4 button 3 piece suit.  Can't wait to get some pictures of the finished product.  The owners of the store look to have originated for Turkey or India, but of course theres no way for me to be completely sure.  I havn't asked.   They are friendly and as i wait for the fitter to arrive I drop into the Cafe next door and enjoy a nice cup of black coffee.  25 Baht.   Of course this was yesterday.  Today I'm going to pick up a friends suit from a different tailor, as well as a picture he had painted.   It is amazing what you can get here.  My suit, which includes vest, overcoat, undershirt, trousers and a tie ends up being $107.00 USD. 

I think that before the near future arrives i'll buy some land here in Thailand as well as Guam.   Guam is a U.s. territory.  Thailand's  King Rama IX was actually born in the United States.   This place certainly is interesting.

Dabbling in the darker parts of my mind, i stumble across memories lineing the floor. 

Knealing there in the dark, i find thoughts that i didn't think would be back.

So it was, so it was.  I was there and never knowing id be here i did the things i did and would do them again much the same way it was.  But there are things i would change and its not to late just yet to start on that way.

It all boils down to being more than i am and thats easy with all of the spare parts of me i've got lineing the floor in my mind.  So i got to figure out whats part of me and whats less of me to be left out of me. 

Taking a moment i change my attention with the momentary concentrated act of blink.  Family.  Family and familiarity.  Packed into a small box, as it was when i was living it.  So much is going on in there.  So much had gone on back then.  I see childish debates going on and on, the likes of which are repeted now on grander scales, dressed up in adult clothes but no longer performed by my family but by the people of the world.  We were stuck there together and for the most of it we forgot to pretend to be upset about it.  We were angry at each other for not coming up with more important things to be angry about.  I remember it from many eyes, each of which have a different light shineing behind them.  I remember it by the bumps and scraps that have healed and dissapeared forever and the ones that by chance have not.  I remember it not by photos but by memories that are more vivid than the gloss paper we hoard.  That dark eye that stared at you when you walked down the stairs and later climbed down the loft like ladder.  The sounds of little things chewing on the walls, most likely descendants of escaped Gerbils who we thought were pets.   The wonderful taste of goulash... and how that didn't stay the same much at all.  The shade and the shineing sun.  The work that the fall and the spring brought onto our yard.  I remember and I smile.  Do others have memories like these?

I look at this hideous carpet that is in the office of what is soon to be the old MP area of Mssg 31 and have mixed feelings.  Our Gunnery Seargeant mentioned in jest that we might be taking it up to the new office.   The carpet job in this building is slip shod at best.  Large square patches that at certain parts are duct taped together line the ground.   Its a blueish mixed color with the weave tight and hard.  The sort that really gives your rug burn if you should happen to fall down.  With carpets come the chores of vacuming.  Without carpets those chores turn into something entirely different and entirely sinister.  Floor buffing and waxing.  Upon the jest of takeing the carpet I become adamant about not taking this carpet to the new office.  Horrible, just horrible.  If it looked crappy now... it will look crappy later.  Though not taking it would mean that it would just be tiled floor... meaning buffing and waxing.  Which my Gysgt (shortened form of Gunnery Seargent) assures me promotes teamwork, dedication to quality (not doing it right the first time means you do it again until it is right), hard work ethic and most likely a plethora of other things.  I think that if I was staying I would just donate money and my time to buy new carpet and install it myself.  That way it looks good and cleans up easier.  but i'm not staying with this unit as my rotation date is roughly three months away and to stay on this unit for next cycle i would need more time on island. 

I enjoy that song.  But i think people should care.  Apathy is such a disgusting thing.  I was sitting down, waiting for a change of command ceremony to start (i was part of it, i'll talk about that later), when i heard someone say "I don't give a F***"  It seems to be a popular thing to say as i've heard people say many variations of it.  I said "To many people don't give a F***,  how can you live life not caring about anything..."  The individual looked at me like i was crazy.  "Its a good thing " They said " Like if i lost all my money, or got in a car accident, it wouldn't bother me".   But to me, those are things that should give off a warning flag.  That something went wrong and you need to figure out what it was so it doesn't happen again. To me... not giving a crap about things means that if your best friend died you would be like "eh, you know, whatever" and that to me is an insult to thier friendship and who they were to you.   Maybe thats not what they mean, but when they basically say life doesn't mean anything to them it bothers me.   I am of course not saying to get twisted around the axle about every little problem, some things don't warrent a second glance, like a person who accidentilly bumps into you.

Ok... About two months left on Okinawa before i fly home for a while.  Best case scenario.... i get 45 days of leave.  Oh how sweet that would be.   Not so best case scenario... i get 30 days.  Still very sweet...  however during both time frames I need to prepare to go to my next duty station in California.  I'll be stateside once again.  No more curfews... no more liberty buddies... i could own a car if i wanted...  Much different from Okinawa.  Plus!  Snail mail will actually be delivered at a reasonable amount of time.  Its been a long time since i've lived in California... and when i did live there i was only just a kidlet.   I wonder if they are ready for my return.   

Alright... So...  it seems to me that a good amount of girls go after men commonly referred to as "Assholes".  But what i didn't know is that... there are girls out there that look at boys and say "why do they always go after women commonly referred to as "Bitches"."   

Sorta blew my mind.  I stopped going after the chicks that seemed mean a long time ago. (and i don't use the word "chick" in any sort of disrespectful manner.  Just a term for the fairer sex)  The last bitch i was interested in was when i was in 5th grade.  She was a real cold hearted girl.  At least from the outside it seemed.  Later on in school she seemed to warm up.  To the point where i became quite confused as to her intentions during an art class i had.  She always would look over my shoulder at what i was working on.  And during one project, a sandstone sculpture, she even wanted to work on my project with me.   That tossed my old self defeating, self demeaning, mindset right through several loops.  I didn't know what to think, and i still don't actually know what to think about that situation. 

I learned that just because you think you want something... it doesn't always mean you actually want it.  You might want one particular feature about someone, but you don't realize that you get all this extra stuff to deal with too. 

So... that was my first and last attempt on girls like that.

Have you ever sat down with a paper and pencil and then... wrote.. but without thinking about what you were writing?   I did that today... the results were odd.  It wasn't random gibberish.  That part makes me ponder.

I think i'll be doing more of this soon.

Who: Two people.  Possibly more.

What: An Anime convention.

Where: Near Chicago.  ANIME REACTOR.

When: October 20-22

Why:  .... .... .... ... isn't it quite obvious that i am an off kilter individual who enjoys quirky slightly odd things in life, includeing but not limited to costumery and chicanery.  Why not go to some place where i can dress up as a video game charactor i enjoy playing as with friends also dressed up as charactors from the same video game to walk around in the midst of other people doing the same thing.  Where else can you get your picture taken with Solid Snake?  Where else can you find Sephiroth.  Where else can you find a room full of Naruto? 

How: Oh... i've got my plans.... hehehe... i've got them good.... MWEHWHAHRraAHRAahAHAHA

Every single day i reach a situation that causes a conflict inside of me.  Every single day a battle goes on to decide what i will do and in the end become.   Some days the battles are more gruesome than others.

It's Like a printing press on a wheel constantly being changed slightly, blocks being removed, blocks being replaced, old blocks being put back up as it always rolls on, pressing its image upon the sheets of time, countless chapters being written that are slightly like the ones before, taking a three part step of peace revolution war, peace revolution war, because we humans only live concsiously about our worlds for 50 years, forgetting what past generations worked so hard to complete and stop from ever happening again until the only way we remember is by reading dusty words in dusty books not sure why we are even there or how it all really matters to us.   War is constant, but not always in the same place.  As it spreads, where it was heals and is healthy for a while because they know what it is that causes it so they avoid it, until they grow lax again and it breaks out once more.

Oh joy.  But it doesn't always apply to bad things.  Fashion and trends also follow this three step waltz.   Look back at what they wore before and see how its affecting todays thredz.

The moment i have a second thought about what i want to put on my blog for fear of upsetting people or changing what they think of me is the moment i hear the death gasp of my creative freedom.  

It is like when your in a relationship and you reach a moment where you feel like you have to be a certain way for them.  You try to act the part of what you think they like.  That traps you and the worst part about it is your probably annoying them as well.

So when i hold my tongue when talking i wonder about restraint and self defeating ambitions.   What a tricky minefield to navigate.  Is it common decency or the urge not to speak out.

Ok.  So here is the situation.  A man walks into an almost empty room and looks at a photo of pure beauty.  Part of him is in awe of the unadulterated beauty in front of him, the other part of him suddenly desires to blow up a chunk of the earth. 

How the heck does that happen?  Why is it that those thoughts would be in the head of someone at the same time?  Is it jealousy? Is it Envy? What is it?  I really need to know what other people think about this.

It couldn't be more or less, for more or less.

It had be be all or nothing, for nothing.

Dealing with just dealing because i'm feelin no feeling.

Take it all down to take it away.

It couldn't be more or less... lest we give more when we get less.

Falling for that fallen feeling, feeling your fall forever.

It couldn't be all or nothing, it had to be something.

Alright.  We are all in several different "Cells" and may not even realize it.  First and foremost i would have to say is "Family".  Those people related to you that you grew up in.  Every family creates a different environment in which you are a part.  There are things that people from the outside wouldn't understand if they just had a glimpse at your day to day lives when dealing with your family.  Thats because they wouldn't understand the context to which the situation applies.   Next would have to be your home area.  Your nieghborhood, the street you live on, the apartment building you live in.   It is different from the town or city you live in or near.  Then comes the community you live in.  Chicago is different from New York and is different from L.A or Madison Wisconsin.  After that would come your work cell.   Each of these deal with the people you have to intereact with.  After that is your State, and then Nation.   With the Internet you have access to the world and thousands of different "cells".  

    An interesting thing about the "Cell" i'm dealing with is a few of the trends and habits that arise.  Right now i could name off a handful of people who play World of Warcraft on thier offtime who are part of PMO. (Provost Marshals Office; aka military police)  It is not uncommon also to see an MP with a tall can of "Monster" an energy drink that has a large M on it. 

   Just strange little things you notice along the way.

Oh how words have such bounce to them and yes such a life all thier own.  It seems that they just slip out sometimes of thier own volition, volunteering to give fight against the dread silence which surrounds us so silkily.  So then there are those that would say silence is beauty and in some cases it is, but too often the silence chokes us out till we are burning the words that want to be, just to keep warm.  Telling yourself you'll say what simply needs when the time is right is like selling your seat for a bus thats already left.  It doesn't do you a drop of good. 

We wonder why of all things lies are so abundant.  Truth tells us tantalizing insights on what we tread so lightly.

 Life.  Life.  Life.   Let us give up our longing, our loungeing, our lusting and lets act out our dreams, our desires so that we do not die from the languid lapses.  Act upon your dreams lest each step be a lip service from the story of your life. 

Brought to you by Nomad. 

Oh but horrible coincedence didn't want me to to have it...   I didn't fall asleep until late, at which point i got about an hour of sleep and then was woken up by a rap tap tapping at my chamber door.    So I sat up, skitter slapped onto the floor.   Who could be rap tap tapping  at 17 after zero four?    

I had been recalled.  Yar..    only to see how fast i could respond.  How fast i could dress and get to work, ready to go

. . .  At four in the morning.... when i work later.. 

(I sit there feeling awake, but knowing its only a matter of time before my body realizes that it didn't get a full charge and is going to crash)Its days like this that i think there is a conspiracy against me.   They are trying to get me to smoke again... i know it.   Sitting there in the classroom as people come back from smokeing.   My sense of smell has recovered enough so that i can actually smell the smellyness of a smelly aftersmoke. 

Makes me glad i quit.  Now i smell good.  mmmm sweet phoenix Ax bodywash you have delivered me.  

I set up my TMO date.  The day that movers come and I pack all of my stuff to get shipped off to my next duty station.  TMO stands for Transportational Management Office.

Wonder what i'll eat for lunch.  Maybe some noodles.  Ooh..  I think i'll get some curry~!  I love curry.  Except not spicey... i like mild stuff.

So... when i've been sleeping lately, i've been having a good deal of auspicious dreams, speaking to me about behaviors, paths, ideas, friendships and love.  So much to take in from my subconcious. 

Today...  Today is what my boss calls "The Monday Beatdown.".  I don't know why but it seems that the more hectic a situation becomes the more i rise to the occasion to deal with it.  Though sometimes my mind just freaks out and i'm like "HOLY COW THERES NO END TO IT ALL!" but thanks to Tetris Attack i've gotten past a lot of that.  Who cares if there is an end to it all or not, i'll figure out how to deal with it until something in the Universe breaks.

Hmmm and now to decide what i shall bring home on the plane... and what i should let travel in boxes.  

So... I'm silent a lot of times. 

So... I talk about things not normally talked about at times no one really expects.

So... I'm out of the blue.

So... I dream and live through my dreams.

So... I live and I dream through my life.

So... I'm easily entertained, but thouroughly descriminating in my tastes.

I'm Male.

I'm 22.

I often anylize before i act.

I am often impulsive.

I have few patterns to my day, but a lot of habbits.

I would generally think I am of good alignment.

I like music that generally means something or tells a story or induces feelings.

I love food. 

I love art.

I love drink.

I love the physical world that I am part of.

I am shallow.

I am a Sagitarius.

I am a Boar.

I have hated.

I have loathed.

I have loved.

I have cherished.

I have layed buried in the soils of the earth.

I have swam in the Pacific and the Atlantic, the East China Sea, the great salt lake, the Mississippi, Lake Michigan and a little mud puddle called Lake Koshkonong.

I have been covered in snow before.

I have felt free in the wind without fear of falling. 

I have crawled through all sorts of mud, ran through many different forests, i've been bitten by many bugs and have bitten back at them.

I have fell in love with exotic.... fruit? hehe yes, the dragon fruit, oh so lovely.

I have lived away from home and away from home for two years  and for almost two years.

I have been loved all my life.

I have been incredibly lucky.

I have been ultimately blessed.

I've been surrounded by people and felt lonely.

I have been completely alone and felt filled with love.

I'm wondering why in the suggested Tags there is "Shitty music"... 

I will have a book published one day.

(Note to readers.  Sometimes i write things for odd reasons, not necisarrily reflecting my mood or my tone.)

The only thing I know is sound.  I can see so much but its all the same.

Its like when you come around, I can be so much but I feel so Lame.

I see, I see, that my reach is failing me.

I know, I know my mind was first to go.

Every thing has gone to hell, where's my hand basket?

I'm on the road to hell, where are my good intentions?

It all falls apart when I add my touch. 

I do my part but its always a bit much.

Leave it up to me and i'll leave it up.

Just for you, I thought you knew what i was all about.

Sometimes i'll be working on a post and for some reason my posting is interrupted while i am writing.  Usually in such a manner that i don't even get to keep a scrap of it.  I usually go back several times and re-write the post, finally getting it through.  This time however, i had completely finished the post and submitted it.  It just dissapeared however.  No bang, no whimper...  silence.  

I picked up Dead Rising the yesterday.  I had played a demo i downloaded for the 360.  It seemed really neat, a good by so far and i really havn't got far into it either. 

So your a photojournalist who is investigating a strange occurance happening in the town of Williamette Colorado, its like a silent riot.   Eventually you get stranded at the mall and find the place swarming with Zombies.  You can use almost anything and everything as a weapon.  Plates, Cds, 2x4s, lead pipes, base ball bats, golf balls (with clubs.), bowling balls, soccer balls, giant stuffed teddy bears, frisbees, lawn mowers, boxes of soda (throwing the individual cans), toy laser swords, hunting knifes, sledge hammers, saw blades, tvs.   You name it its probably in there.  But as i'm wandering through the mall, i find... something that excites me.   Not a chainsaw...but a boomarang.  I find a nice open area and throw it, it flies straight and then curves to the left, clipping three zombies as it goes and then flies back towards me.  I have to dodge out of the way of a zombie who is promptly hit by it and it continues flying.  I turn towards the direction it flew and it continues going, on and on and on.   So i run through hordes of undead to recover it.   About a hundred feet away I find it on the ground.  I pick it up and throw it again, watching it curve into a huge group of zombies, maimeing many as it goes, and then it comes back towards me.  I stand there and suddenly.   I catch it.  *Big Grin*  This game is awesome.   Each weapon has its own charactoristics.  But much more than just how much damage they cause.  Its how you swing them, how far you throw them, how far the zombies are knocked back, if they are knocked back or if you cut them in half or cut off a limb, do you crush thier skull, do you cause them to knock other zombies down, can your throw the item and then whip out your pistol and shoot it in mid-air to blow it up like the propane tanks?

mmmmm Zombie goodness.

I became the Ops Clerk.   In my little office, which is a little bit smaller than the room that i share with two other people, there is a pull up bar hanging over the Operations Chief's door.   If there is ever a moment where I find myself not doing anything I wander over and bust out a set of 5 or 7 pull ups.    Hopefully my Max set does improve, that would certainly help my PFT score. 

A PFT is broken down into three parts.  Run, Sit-ups, Pull ups.  Each set is worth 100 points.  For the run time, you need to run 3 miles in 18 minutes to get 100 points.  Every minute after 18 minutes is negative 6 points.  Then the Situps.  You need to do 100 in two minutes.  Each Situp is worth a point.   Then... there are the pull ups.  You only need to do 20 of them to get a hundred.  5 points a pull up.  Running has never been a problem for me and I usually get around 20-22 minutes on my 3 mile, hopefully now that i stopped smoking that will improve.  Situps are a breeze and can usually knock out 100 before a minute passes.   Its the pull ups that really hurt my score.  I can only usually get around 10 of them, giving me only 50 points.  All of this together gives me a 1st class PFT of about 230.   225 is the cut off for first class.   I want to do better.

Nature says.... "I hate Low pressure".   It fills in low pressure areas, often with destructive force.   Nature says "I like things to be equal"  it makes things equal... often with destructive force.     Nature... believe it or not... tends to be very destructive.

I tend to try and give output and give output and more output, in hopes of getting input.   After giving out so much... it leaves you feeling hollow inside.  Hungry, hollow and very irritable at times. 

I must be giving out to the wrong places...  

Because i don't think i'll stop giving as much as i do.   Getting back anything makes it all worth it at times.

To say something now and let it all out.   I want to speak of things that have not yet formed into words.  Auspicious spoken syncapations.   Oh dear what is it now.  What is it now that twists inside me. 

I wonder as I look over what i have said here before , what sort of posts are placed upon this digital tapestry. 

There are the update posts about my life. 

There are the deep ponderings of my mind.

There are the wild words of my soul that splay themselves out for all to see.

There are the interests that I nail down in hopes of finding others with the same interests.

I'll give someone a hug and or a kiss if they can tell me where thats from.

I love that quote.  

Surrounded by undead denizens of the mall from hell i trudge wearily along, surviving the courtyard of carnivorous citizens and defeating Tri-terrorizing tennants of a wayward prison i continue on to rescure a damsel in distress and then a duo of suddenly discovered vacationers.  I give one a katana and we make our way to an "out of control" ride that i've been meaning to investigate.  I go to the controls and thats where the real horror begins... 

I've dealt with all manners of monstrosities in my minute of gaming experience.  In all ranges of graphics.   It wasn't until this moment with the lighting and visual effects of this game that i have felt so... ill at ease with an opponent. 

I can see why people are afraid of them now.  I imagine "IT" helped but.... *shivers*  I used to dress up as them for Halloween.

A very simple straight foreward game turns suddenly into an intricate mystery.  One that unlike most mysteries, holds my interest.   Even when completed at my current level there are so many questions left to be answered.  While most of the time unanswered questions would leave me aggrivated and upset, I find myself itching to go back and try and find the answers...

Ahh Dead Rising... how you satisfy me in so many ways.  And does your name have an odd truthfullness to it that I have yet to fully realize?

Yay!

*hugs everyone*

I TMO'd Today.  Six or so large containers of my stuff is now in the process of making its way towards my next duty station.  By the time I arrive and check into the place it should all be ready for me to pick up.  Happy Days and Jubilation.  (TMO stands for Transportation Management Office)

Tomarrow I start my check out process for PMO and Headquarters and Service Battalion.   I have three days to be completely checked out before i show up at my parent command ready to start checking back in only to check completely out within two weeks after that or so (maybe three?)

And then Good Bye Okinawa.  What a long trip this has been. It was just the other day that I started this blog, before i arrived on the small island.

Checklist before I leave.

1.  Acquire large box of japanese food and candies for presents.

2.  Stay out past midnight at NAHA, just because i can.

3.  Shop the Hobby stores.

4.  Eat some more Soba noodles, Sushi, yakatori, curry and other foods.

5.  Buy some gifts before I go. 

*smiles softly*

The Animated wonder "The Tick" is now on dvd.  I was worried that it would never happen.  I've always enjoyed the series and its meant something to me.  So Cheers to that. 

And now onto something completely different. 

The 23rd of September,  Officially, that is my flight date.  However... seeing as i do not have the tickets for the plane right here in my hand and the leave completely and utterly wired down to the hard copy, its still a tenative date.  Also, while i have requested and alternate arrival address of Wisconsin, that too is up in the Air.  So i need to be ready to do some heavy flexing and manuevering... just in case. 

I am completely checked out of PMO today, meaning I head back to my Parent Command for the last few weeks i'm on island.  While i'm there, hopefully i'll have steady access to the internet,  so i can stay in contact.

I still need to figure out what i'm going to do about a car while i'm home...

Well... not all batteries...  just the disposable ones.  I hate haveing to keep paying to make a device continue to work.  I really dislike paying a monthly fee for things.   I like to own things and me self sufficiant. 

So here is my question.  I bought a blue tooth wireless headphone set and i need to figure out how to replace the spot where I constantly feed two AAAs with a rechargeable pack.  Now i COULD buy rechargeable AAA batteries.... and a charger... but i've never liked those.  What i want is something that A.  Will extend the life of the headset. B. Will take care of the problem of constantly buy batteries. 

I bought the 20 dollar charger kit for my wireless Xbox  controller.  And have already used it enough to have saved what it is worth.   The major problem with these headphones is how incredibly fast it drains the battaries of all life. 

*goes to research batteries and electronics*

At least i didn't know it.   So i'm playing dead or alive 4 and I decide to beat the game with all the charactors and finally do so, beating it with Helena (one of my favorite female charactors).  I get the ending and then the credits.  As i'm watching the credits i get distracted for a moment by something and when i look back i see "Bungie".   Wait a minute i think.... Tecmo.... Bungie?   Something isn't right here.   I start watching intently until I notice more "Special Thanks" to Bungie studios.   Then i notice "Spartan 458".   WTF?  I finish up the credits and i see "Helena Costume unlocked"  "Spartan 458" unlocked.  

I couldn't stop laughing giddily as i flip through the instruction manual and look way in the back to find more special thanks to Bungie.   Finally I go to the sparring option and test her out.   Its a blast to play as a spartan.  I then notice an extra stage.  If you have played Halo 2.... it looks very familiar.   You know that one docking bay where you see one of the other Orbital battle platforms explode?  Imageing having a martial arts battle in there... hehehe.

All i gotta say is...   Holy crap.! 

The other day i had a dream about .... Donkey Kong.   Not the Gorilla, the game.  It was just the game.  Nothing else.  No other thoughts.   Just run, jump over barrel, climb up the ladder to dodge the barrel,  time it just right so that the barrel doesn't roll down on me, climb some more.   Do it again, jump the barrel, grab the hammer this time, listen to the music and run and keep on running till it wears out.  Climb the ladder and then do it again.

Such a strange dream.

I'm completely out of PMO right now.  I'm with my parent command  Military Police Support Element with 3 Marine Logistics Group, and I'm here for the time i'm left on Island.  Can't believe its already the fifth of september.  I have only a few items in my possession, which include my Xbox 360 and projector.  The rest are small things that i wanted to have with me when i went home.   That and clothes, two sets of camoflage utilities uniforms, one woodland, one desert, my other uniforms, my suit and my civilian clothes.   The reason I didn't send my projector with all of my other stuff is because its fragile and if it broke in transit getting re-imbursed for my loss would take too long.   Instead i'm going to have it in my carry-on luggage.  No freakin way i'd trust the airports to handle anything of mine thats even semi-fragile.   Not after last time.   *grumbles*.   

I need a cheap legal way to get a car for while i'm home during leave.   I could see about purchasing one... Finance it over the next two years while i'm still in the service.  But then id have to transport it to California.   That reminds me, i should see if its too late to get extra days of leave so that I could drive to california instead of fly.  Ponderments ponderments...

Traffiic Control Points, or TCPs.   WOO.   Wish me luck and good health, i'll be out there pretty late.  At least tomarrow i shouldn't have to come in for a while.  The last real time I did something like this , it lasted all day and into the night.  Luckily i had someone that would take turns with me, but it didn't help my peace of mind all that much cause i felt they didn't do a good job at it.  I know I didn't do a very good job when i started but i quickly got the hang of it.  

Lets hope i avoid an international Incedent this time as well.

No good reason to be no good.  Just got to do what we gotta do.

What i hate is when something happens in life that seems to steal directly from my mind.  It's happened a lot.  I swear someone out there has a wire tap in my mind, sifting through my thoughts, taking my ideas.  

To the years i give every waking moment a subconcious thought.  "HAPPY DAYS AND JUBILATION".  Two years of Mindsay.  Don't know when exactly it started, don't know when exactly it will end, just know that it was this month on 2004. 

Two years the wiser?  I feel the same but as much as i do i feel different.  Yep.  Two years of difference.   Okinawa... soon i shall bid thee a farewell.   

Before i do i'm going to horde together a mass of tasty treats the likes of has never been seen. 

Solid Snake is going to be in the next Super Smash Bros.    Interesting.... veeeeery Interesting....

Another typhoon is coming.  None have actually hit the island while i've been here, but they have come close enough to put us into lockdown. 

yar.

So, a bit of news.  It's thursday here, lunch time,  if all goes well (and i love it when all goes well) then i'll be completely checked out by the end of today.  Though completely checked out by sometime before the end of tomarrow would be just fine tooo, however tommarrow is when i get my plane tickets.  AND yes i am quite relieved to say that they are there and in a physical form, as i have seen them with my own eyes, though they do me little good if the afore mentioned sentance is not executed.  

Talking about traveling.  Let's Just suppose I do fly home on Saturday (and a long saturday that will be).  My final destination stop is Chicago O'haire... I wonder if once i get my tickets i might be able to purchase another flight straight to Madison or Milwaukee.  And then what to do when i reach those perspective places...  

Suggestions?  Offers? 

Oh glorious realizations of reality, oh burning, burning, self induced yearning for unknown myriad kindred.

Damnable delicate detachment from all that really matters.  Wispy whirring wranglers of my backwater heart.

Damnable I say!  Delight in my delivered and endangered designs, for the egg shell strength of this viscous realm can not be long sustained.  Weeeeee, giddily I slink sa‧la‧cious‧ly along this path I have chosen as my own, trip trapped and knackered by my obtuse heart and accompanied heart strings.  To be exhausted and spent, laying there squarely upon the hillock, wondering if its rained and why the puddle beneath me is warm, only to realize that no, that is no puddle but my shirt, drenched in me and proof of my vigorous meandering.  What it is to be alive and about the who whose land and homes I inhabit.  What it is to take in the things i have and put out what i have, blood and sweat and tears all salty included.  What I wouldn't give to know i could experience one more moment with which i could be there with you. 

I would sail the Seven seas, stealing and swindling where ever I please.

If i was and undead Pirate, i would have an undead crew.    Sasparilla would be forbidden as it eats away at your soul.

If i was an undead pirate, I would have a secret Island Hide out.

If i was an undead pirate, I would kidnap lovely Governers and or their lovely daughters. 

If i was an undead pirate, I would have a skeleton skull lackey.

Would you mind if i was Zombie ish?  Or would you prefer a spectral sort.  Perhaps a burning abomination of creation.  Or would you prefer the dull whiteness of a skull.

Would you connect the joints and sing the connection song when i was sleeping?  (the tibula is connected to... the ... something... the something is connected to the .... er...)

If i was an undead pirate would you ask me why i sent you chocolate pieces of Eight for Chaunakua instead of coins?  

If i was an undead pirate would you beg me to let Santa go?  Would you fall in love with my Arch Nemisis the somewhat clueless eternally resourceful and iron willed protagonist? 

If i was an undead pirate would you laugh at the vegan cannibals?   Would they think you would then taste funny? 

If i was an undead pirate how much grog would it take to drink me under the table? Would i then keep drinking?

Would you be upset if I trained a monkey crew Ju-jitsu?  Would you worry about me having a Giant dead monkey as a Liar entrance? 

Would you plunder with me? 

And yay, let it be known that surely as the sun does set and the sky darken, all things do come to an end.  These are the final hours bleeding out of the final days of my journey over here, the place where the sun rises... you know.  Let all those who say nay be held in chains of thier own exuberant ignorance and find themselves locked away in small cubicles of stone and carpeting, wasting away with alchohol, and let those who are curious wander about stumbling as surely as anyone would against a grain not wholly our own but undeniably human.  As for me, my time runs thin and the needs of this crystal singer whose veins run thick with letters and ink require I recharge and recoupe and center myself once again before stepping off into another world of strange and mystical folly and forthright fervor.

I have my plane tickets.  And I found out an interesting fact, my final destination is NOT Chicago as i was led to believe but as fortune decided to smile upon me, it is Madison.  That makes things a lot Simpler.  Yay.  

I should be arriving sometime around 6 pm.  Nomad my dear blood, could you see if our mumra could pick me up?  If not i could see about getting dragged off by one of my friends, or if you so choose you could acquire yourself a brother once again.

So, here are some of my pics from the convention. I had taken more .... however, due to the nature of crappy disposable cameras, not all turned out how i wanted. That means my Pheonix Wright photos.... and they were awesome tooo. NOOO PHEONIX COME BACK!(the really dark one). I still got a good deal of delightful pics though. Also, since the flash of disposable cameras are not as strong as regular cameras the lenses of the gas mask were not the opague level i wished. Still pretty pleased with the results however.

I also met some delightful people playing various Resident Evil charactors, some from the games, some not. I loved seeing all the different costumes.

Well thats my lunch.  Or what WILL be my lunch.  And no... it's not the Mc Rib... i find that a pathetic excuse of what ever it's trying to be.  

As for the "OR".   New things happen only for a moment and last for a little bit before joining the ranks of the old.  So... the faster newer things appear, the faster the number of Older things grow.  

I wish I had secret Mental Powers.   I'd use them to give Bigots nosebleeds and headaches.   Maybe something a little more devious.

I'm sitting here in a small office. (I have my own office again.  Interesting how things work out).  And i happen to hear chain being pulled along the ground just outside behind me.  You see there are a set of doors behind me where you would think a wall would be.    I can hear pretty much any sort of movement, noise or wind carried voice nearby.  From overhead helicopters to the passing of a Hummer.   Though just for the record... i don't call them Hummers... just using a word more people will recognize.  

And suddenly my mind turns to thoughts of Meatloaf.  He's going to be going to a nearby Casino for a show or event during either this month or the next.  Meatloaf is still cool in my book.  I just wish I knew if i could get those days off or not... and wondering how i'm going to work a $70.00 debit into my budget. 

Sometimes material objects take on emotional charges or mental charges.  Like letters.  I don't know how it happens but sometimes letters give off a feeling that isn't quite communicated through the text alone.   Almost like a scent or a color that the mind picks up on. 

Sometimes actions create emotional or mental charges that can also be picked up, felt, and heard by others.  

So then... is it possible for mental and emotional charges to then create actions and perhaps material objects?

Just to start things off....  lets go easy.

What is so fragile that no sooner than it's name is spoken, It's Broken.

Poliwog.  On a Log. 

So green and sereen.

Wet and Icky.

Smooth and Slippery.

Speckled eyes, watching me.

It is the end, i can not flee.

Woe to be a fly.

The tongue....

Slurp.

Todays love interest comes in the form of the word "Spring".

Such a versatile word.   So many possible uses.  Spring, Sprang, Sprung.  Say it with me.  Such energy, and at the same time so calming to think of.   "A little meadow tucked away in the midst of a forest, in which a small spring bubbled and issued forth clear cool water." 

The energy is unbound, let loose and almost out of control as demonstrated in this next sentance.

"He sprang into action, swinging his cudgel deftly into the weakened armor of his foe, causeing blood to spring out."

The next time you use a word... think about all the other uses it might have, you might be surprised. 

Smile in a moment

Hidden between two places

Every day gone by.

Deep breath and then again.

This feel is a different pain.

The places in my gut insinuate, that this does not descriminate.

Between what is false and what is fact.

Just need some sense to keep my tact.

Am I a moth or am I man, lead to a fire, fed by a fan.

This flame is desire unbridled.

Feelings deeper yet unrivaled.

I grasp desperately for senses, yet love does not sit idle on fences.

It knows of no man made rules,

and is commen currency of fools.

Price is a concept it doesn't understand, though our complete souls it can demand.

Deep breath and then again.

This feel is a different pain.

I write these thoughts as i think them.  In this way i share them but do not speak them.  Half cooked, half baked. 

I just felt something strange.  It's 12:19.  Something really strange.  I can't tell if it was a good or bad thing just now.  Just powerful.   Earlier today i had something stirring my gut instict/blatently obvious detector.  I don't know what was doing that either but something was certainly stirring inside of me.  A countles list of probabilities.  

So very strange.  That strange sensation felt like my mind was pushed  by a gust of wind. 

Apprehension.  The coil of my mind tightening to brace. 

Uncertainty. The unknown.  All you can do is try to prepare and react as fast as you can when the curtains are pulled aside. 

... but... as far as i can see, all is well.  Play with the current rules.  Don't get trampled down by possible situations.

Breath.

First off i should explain that by "non-believer" i'm not talking religion.   I'm not talking faith, unless of course by faith you mean, a certain ideal i believe in.

So Secondly i would elegantly like to state "FOXTROT UNIFORM CHARLIE KILO!!!" with three exclamation marks for emphasis. 

We get tumbled and pushed and dragged to conform, to change, to believe certain ideals, certain truths, certain "facts", certain statements and most establishments.  Violently and ruthlessly we are stripped of our own beliefs and hopes and dreams to fit in.  To achieve certain ends we contort our own bodies to fulfill the means.

I'm sick of subliminally baiting myself for disaster.  I refuse to take another step down that path. 

I know what i want, i don't know how to get it, but sure as i'm sitting here at this very moment by god i'm going to find out where i stand and how to get within reach of where i want to be. 

I'm unbalanced, have faulty wireing, suppressed aggression, and a beautiful pair of blue eyes, watch out world, I have your number.

It's not a new idea.  we all have a problem.  Our own worst enemy haunts and follows us where ever we go.  Our actions, steps and deepest secrets are known. 

Say hello to the thorn in my side.  My achilles heel. 

Say hello to me.

HAPPY DAYS AND JUBILATION!

Keeping certain aspects at bay i find myself with a large grin.  I've got people who love me, people whom i love, so many brilliant possiblities all waiting to be discovered or perhaps just explored. 

I picked up the next book in the Foriegner series, one of the longest book series i've kept an interest in.  A strange situation in which each book enriches the experience and the thoughts as to whether or not this book is good or not does not appear.  Truthfully it isn't quite so much a group of consecutive books as it is just a continuation of a wonderful story.

I've realized certain things about myself recently that help me fight off certain self destructive tendancies.  Link certainly knows what i'm talking about having to duke it out with his shadow self.  A very difficult battle. 

Now if only I could get my hands on the sword of power.

Can't quite place it how you fight with yourself for no damn reason other than your not quite sure who you are.  You know what it is that you see and you feel but you can't trust yourself to not read between the lines.  That doesn't quite suit you uou think as the cold lingering presence arrives from a paralyzed state of self denial which branches from oblivion.  It's all in your head.  It's all in your head, oddly enough tucked in between the rows of happy memories and pleasant dreams.   Doomed to feign sick, this malingering self abuse.  A crab spreading and growing by a different name. 

You find a moment to take a deep breath and claw your way out.  The penetrating darkness recedes showing the light of the day.  It was all some horrible werewolf like change.   A fruedian afterthought. 

There is nothing solid and thats why you freak out.  You feel like your falling backwards without anything to grab onto.  But you my dear bewildered self should realize that there isn't anything to fall onto.  Nothing to mangle your body upon.   Take comfort in the fact that you do not have anything solid to tie you down in case you have to vacate this house through unforunate circumstances.  Distance is good while the time is long that keeps that distance in place. 

I'm happy.  I'm glad to be me.  I'm overjoyed to know you. 

Yep.  The subject says it best. 

It's been a while because i don't have access to the net like I usually do.  The times I do get access is usually spent clearing out my Inboxes of the junk that has piled up during my leave.

Got so much to talk about and yet at the same time I wish to bide my time letting it all brew. 

I put in my  leave request for late June.  I requested to take my pre-deployment block leave early so that i can make it to my little bro's wedding.  I don't want to miss it.  Interesting thing is apparently my mother thought I would be the first one to settle down.

Well.. thats enough for now, i shall continue later.

Be well everyone.

And for those of you who have a special place in my heart, and i sincerely hope that you know who you are, be well.

Some of them are best not mentioned in mixed company.

But seriously...   I have Armored Core 4 pre ordered and waiting for me to pick up once i'm done with this little training op.   For those of you who are familiar with my "addiction" to the series, the two major things that sets this game apart from the others happens to be as such;  1. It is now cross platform, on both the Xbox 360 and the Playstation 3.  2.  On both systems it happens to have Online play.  Thats a first here in the states.  Up to 8 people can play head to head or on teams.   That by itself boggles my mind.  I've been in tournaments where they happen to hook up 2 systems together to allow 4 people to play at one time and let me tell you it's more hectic than Halo 2 with a full 16 player game, free for all or not.

Armored Core has always required a certain measure of finese from me that I don't always have the ability to pull off in other games.   I think it's the complicated controls that allow a more in depth grasp.

Viva la From Software.

I'm sure we have all heard about that guy or girl.  You know the one that snoops through the other ones mail, the one who wants to know who they were talking to last night or a few seconds ago on the phone.  The person when it gets so bad they actually watch the other person to see what they are up to when they are away.   

It's sad.  It's pathetic.  It's wrong.  It's rooted in insecurity.  Not having trust in the person your supposed to care about.  It's scary when you see that if you didn't realize certain things about the world and how people work you could have been that guy or girl.

I, like many people, suffer from a self image problem.  I don't know the depths of it or how to explain it.  But i'll try.

It's hard for me to accept the fact that someone could be interested in me.  It's hard for me to think that someone would wait for me.  It's hard because I see boatloads of other people who in my eyes seem like they would be more desireable than me.

When I was younger I saw a lot of jerks who didn't seem to have any problem when dating or when searching for a girlfriend.  I saw people who treated others badly and could care less.  I knew that I did not want to become that sort of person.

I don't like bragging about myself.  The problem is that I have a hard time sorting out bragging from being confident in ones abilities while talking. 

Confidence is something that in a lot of situations I have to fake.  While I may not be nervous, I often feel out of my element, uneasy and slightly worried.  I know the worst thing that could happen in most situations would be getting rejected.  I've dealt with my fair share of rejection and while it does bother me in some miniscule level, I can easily deal with it. 

Despite all of my short comings, I continue to march on.  I still feel the twinges of worry, of insecurity, of confusion, of ... the darker parts of what it is to be human.  But I realize this.   I know I am only human and we are not perfect and things don't always work out. 

Time marches on as sure as I continue to.  During it all things happen.  Things that are out of my reach.  The sort of reach that distance has no correlation with.  

All I can do is try.  Believe that something amazing in my life possible. 

So as each grain of sand drops down that hourglass I take another step.  Eventually I'll have a chance.

So, today i've been catching a lot of things thrown through the air.  It's quit nifty knowing that my mechanical reflexes and hand eye coordination are not as faded or jaded as my mental processes.   yay.   only a few more days before i can take leave and head across country to visit my little brother.  I wonder what clothes i'll pack and take with me... i wonder if i'll take much of anything else.  I could take my PSP so i have music to listen to.   but yea... mostly clothes.  

I have no idea what this trip will be like but i can't wait to go on it.  I need the break.  It will be wonderful to see my family and friends.   I just wish that i had more time for the trip.  I picked up a cell phone specifically for this trip just in case you know?  It will also help me coordinate with friends and family. 

My car gets about 32 miles to the gallon, its about 2000 plus miles.  So... thats about 10 stops for gas at 3.09 dollars a gallon and my car has like a  8-10 gallon take making each stop cost about 30 some odd dollars costing a rough total of about 300 and some change.

So before I arrive at my location i have a few items i need to take care of.  One of them being a PFT I need to run.  3 mile run, 100 crunches under 2 minutes, and as many pull ups i can do.  all calculated into a 300 point system.  I need to clean and wash my car, clean out the trunk, wash the clothes that i'm going to take, get my suit cleaned.

                                                        Oh, and I found some random pics of myself i figured I'd Upload. 

So i did indulge in a Ferrero Rocher.   I couldn't help it.  So yummy.  Havn't indulged in anything else just yet, but thats soon to change.

Mindswitch . . . . :/initiatied

Simply so smooth, seeing is beyond believing.

Watching you moove, reeling from this feeling.

Call me on my phone, doesn't matter the time, just wanna hear your voice.

Call me i'm at home, callin later 'sno crime, make me your first choice.

Do do doot da do, to to to da doo.

Silently in the back of my mind, on the aptly named back burner, i have several little plans formulating.  Little things that while they wouldn't seem like much to the casual glance, when placed in the right situation can have incredible results.  

Merhwhahahahahahah!

The day was June 24th.  It would be my first day of leave.  The last time I was on leave was for my PCS leave back in October of last year. (Change of Station)  I had requested the 24th of June to the 12th of July, today being the 12th.  My rough plan consisted of driving to TN from CA, next item on the agenda would be to "Kidnap" Stickisituation.   While "Kidnapping" her, we would hang out until my little brother's wedding (spiffyspud ) at which point she would accompany me.   I sincerely wish that i had a personal camera that i could have used during the drive.  There were so many interesting things to see, so many beautiful sights to behold.  America is beautiful, you don't always get to see that if you hang around the same place all the time.  (or you might if your observant for things that are right in front of you).  Somehow I mad the drive in two days.  At the end of the second day I would visit with spiffyspud and crash out on his couch.  After showering and shaving I set out into Virginia for the afore mentioned mission.

THE KIDNAP

I donno why I wanna make it sound all... well make it sound the way it does, but thats how i'm leaving it.  Continueing on..  

During random times during the drive i would call people with my nifty itsy bitsy cell phone* and talk for as long as they were available.  While there are lots of things to look at while driving, doing so for long periods of time can lull you into a zombie like state.  Not good to be in while driving.  And yes its not good to talk on cell phones while driving either, but on my defense I had a handsfree device that i used while talking, allowing me to drive with both hands and have all the same ranges of motion i would normally have.  So the only hinderence was that I was slightly distracted, much better i think than to be in a stuper.  Well, back to the tale. 

While driving i was trying to nail down the final little details about the little trip I was taking stickisituation  on.  It was my intent to stop by her house, meet her, meet her parents, take a little break from driving, get comfortable in her presence and hopefully have her feel the same, and then set off again in search of grand adventures.  Unfortunately, I was unable to meet her parents as I had showed up earlier than expected.  Rather than wait for an unknown amount of time to meet up with her parents I decided that we should head on out. (now meeting the parents would have been the right thing to do at that point but hindsight is hindsight)

To be Continued....

 *technically a cell phone, its a pay as go go "go phone" from cingular that suits my needs.  No cameras, no music, no internet, just a phone that DOES happen to have text message capabilities.

I picked up a game for the Xbox 360 this weekend called , well you probably can guess by the title of this post, "Overlord".  You play an evil Overlord, who is revived from a very long sleep after your spire castle is ransacked by some pesky heroes.  They did a pretty good job of it too.  All of your treasures have been stolen, the structural integrity of the building is now in question, all of your magical artifacts are missing and your army of minions have scattered to the winds, save for a few die hard toadies called "The browns".

What makes this game interesting is that rather than give you a god like charactor to wreak havoc, mayhem, and destruction upon the populace, they give you a decently strong charactor (compared to the peons walking about) and a hoard of ever loyal minions.  You start with the ability to control 5 in the beginning of the game.  That might not seem like a lot but you can still create a sizeable amount of chaos with the limited number.  Using your controller you control not only the overlords movement, but the minions movement as well.  Walking about your little pack of rampaging rambunctious raiders will follow you anywhere you go.  The thing that you have to remember as you play is that you have an "Army" (and I use the term loosely for the beginning of the game) for a reason.  There are places in the game that you can't go, things that you cannot reach, monsters that you by yourself would be hard pressed to take down.  So while moving about the world using the left analog stick to control your movement, you use the right analog stick to control the swarm of boney gremlin like warmongers.  You can also use other controls to command them, and send the number that you need to accomplish a certain task.  As the game progresses you gain more influence over your crack chaos squad and are able to summon more at a time.  Not only that but you gain other breeds of minions as well.  There are four colors in all, brown, blue, red and green.  They are in the same order, fighters, healers(magic), ranged attackers, and assassins.  The blue can breath under water while others would drown, the red are immune to fire and can put out fires in your way, the green are immune to poison and can absorb poison in your path or destroy plants that spew poison allowing you and your other underlings to pass unharmed.

The visuals of the game are enjoyable, the music isn't anything spectacular but it goes well with the game so you hardly notice it. (in my opinion that says something about fitting with the feel of the game and coming together to create a certain feel overall).  The controls havn't frustrated me at all and controlling a swarm of 15 works surprizingly easy without much need or worry about having to go back and grabbing straggler that gets stuck.   As I play it sometimes feels like i'm controlling a wave of destructive water that flows over the landscape leaving carnage and destruction in its wake. 

I would have to say that it was a definately worth the purchase.

It has multiplayer, downloadable content and a few customizable options that I havn't been able to explore yet.

Feel free to ask me any questions about the afore mentioned or anything i might not have mentioned.

Everything thing feels a bit... strange at the moment.   So many possibilities around the corner.  So many items poised to happen.  But what is going to happen?  What is going to be triggered and how are the dominoes going to fall?   Sometimes having a state of slight chaos is a bit more easy to deal with than a calm.  The calm before the storm tells little of the ferocity of the impending gale.   That is if you don't know how to read the signs.  But where are the signs for life? 

     It is unknown to me whether it was always there and only needed to be discovered or if by the situation was created by bits and pieces of mingling ideas, thoughts, and words.  I've never tried to think deeply about it.  Instead I try to take it as face value, that it is what it happens to be.   Though now, I wish to explain it.  As best as words will let me describe something of this nature.  It is a strange thing which is often immitated.  So many times I thought I was looking it in the face when it was something else entirely masquareding as what we so covet.  So elusive and misunderstood.  What exactly is it?  What makes us feel the need to settle down with one person?  To have something called love?  Is it just something that came about through the way our civilizations developed? 

     We hold it as something pure...

It was a strange day filled with odd ways.

Paths of psuedologic streamed in my mind, which I couldn’t seem to find.

Unknown voices wake in the deep deep dark places.

My subconscious takes in crowds of dark dark faces.

Taunting me to, wanting me to become something more, something less.

I can’t find a moment to be quiet, intoxicated unable to deny it.

So I let my fingers do the talking, giving my lips a rest.  My mind keeps balking, trying to turn out the best.  I can accomplish all that’s mine as I set out to do.  If I give enough time and listened to what I knew.  

Red skies rain down a blue sort of mood, doomed to muerte, new found rising death.

Best I can do, the rest is only true, and the lies are skewed at their roots.

Ring in the bells that announce the coming of swells, swarming the dells, pushing foreword with yells, ever onward as they break through our shells.

I can not seem to make sense of the sights in front of me.  What goes on pushes its affront on me, my mind taking it bluntly.

As the minute hand turns on, while in sync, the sun burns on and the info coming from all ways, inside my brain they churn.

Mixing and weaving, these words are deceiving, taking their toll, burning a hole in the pockets of my memory, taking the best of me, and raping the chastity of my character. 

Vexing and perplexing, these words are completely stable, displaying their cores on the table.  I do not wish to confuse, the subject is no ruse, we are all subject to abuse, take it how you choose.  Take it or leave it, just try to believe it. 

The world is full of trash cans filled with idle advice.  Pages of lessons we learn, torn away with one look, not twice.  Were all sages, all fools, to give away hammers but never use the tools.  Nails pin down our minds, a little less over time; the metal on flesh does bind, until we look for what we can not find.

It was a strange day filled with odd ways.

I am dark and full bodied,

complete in my entire way.

With all of my being,

Away I push the day

To the heated days, A chill,

shadows blanket and surrounds.

No bright light to blind,

nothing heats the ground.

Beyond and on the subject that we were talking about.  I want to point out how pointed your words were.  You brought up what I didn't want dug up.  I lost myself in losing you.  Beyond it all, i still can fall now just like everytime I let you down.  You grounded me when the waves threatened to tear me away.  You cut the strings when I needed a way out.  We were everything I never knew could happen.  You happen to be everything to me.  You happened to me when nothing else seemed to be.  I couldn't explain how plain it all started out, how simple it really is, but how that made everything gain and gain and gain.

I can talk to you, i know who i am and can state the obvious, because obviously I am who i am to you. 

Once divided, twice subsided, unread unruly uncuth.

I pleaded that i needed you to tell me the truth.

Pushed away in pain, eyes full of disdain.

I stayed here not sane, the end is the same.

Rippling sensations, crazed motions,

broken notions, and ripping emotions.

Time and Distance. Or the time until the distance is over. I've got less then a year left on active duty. I've got a seven month stint to complete before I start winding down. After that... who knows. So many possibilities. Where shall I live? Which classes will I start to take in College? Where will I work as I go to college? They all tie into each other. If I decide first where to live then which school I choose will be affected, as will where I work. Where I live will also determine my cost of living and thus how much money I need to take in to live comfortably.

I try not to plan as much as I try to prepare myself for what the future will throw at me next. Plans are a series of events almost promised to not happen.

I have a few life goals.

1.I would like to eventually get Married. Tied into that I would like to have kids after a reasonable amount of time after being married.

2. I would like to be financially secure. To manage my money and resources wisely.

3. I would like to live somewhere beautiful, somewhere reasonably close to some sort of body of water. Not too terribly populated, but at the same time close to a decently large city in which I would have access to stores.

4. I would like to have a job I enjoy or at least don't dread going to everyday.

5. I never want to stop learning. Never to get into a state of stale minded apathy.

6. I would like to have at least one book published.

7. Eventually... I'd like to have ducks. Not to many... just a couple. I like ducks.

8. I also like dogs so I'd like a few of those as well.

9. I would like to continue corresponding with friends and family and stay in touch with them, if not actively visit.

10.I would like to on occasion, travel, visit other places, meet different people, try different foods, even if it is stateside.

Now... to explain the above I will write the below.

1. I will not marry just to be married. Likewise only want kids when I know that I could focus mainly upon them, when my life becomes a bit more structured where I don't have to worry about financial woes or things like that. If I cannot find a woman worthy of my love that loves me in return and wants to marry, then I'm not going to marry. If that becomes the situation, then I don't plan on having kids (Sorta makes it hard to have kids in a situation like that hehe. Though there is adoption and such... but to bring a child into home with just a father.... granted I imagine that a good home if not complete is better than no home at all.) Now when I say complete, I'm talking about having a mother and a father figure that creates an environment suitable for the raising of a young mind. There are lots of families in which there are both figures, but the situation is not suitable for a child. Some people should not be parents. Unfortunately it seems that those people find each other and end up having children... Likewise... there are some situations where there is a mother and a father figure who are not joined by marriage but the situation is still good for the children. I believe in marriage... I also believe that your concept of marriage should match or at least mesh with the person you marriage. If two people go into something like that with two completely differing views.... things get nasty real quick. Sad. We are pressed with views of marriage and relationships all our lives. When you have things the expressly deals with human interactions, things get complicated, things get tricky. We make things complicated.

There is the idea of marriage as a religious union. Marriage as a personal union. Due to the government there is marriage as a financial union. Marriage as a social union. A spiritual union.   Ideas can be troublesome.

2.  A great deal of life's problems are caused by lack of money and tied to it is greed of money and wealth.  I just want enough so that i can take of all of my needs and have enough left over to save and invest and give me a little bit o cash to play with.

3.  Where I live isn't going to be extravagant, its going to be function first and then after that subtle attempts at beauty will be applied.

4.  I have a good idea of what sort of jobs do and do not rub me the wrong way.  Hopefully I can find one that fits my needs.

5. As for continueing to learn... i just hope i can continue to keep my eyes open.

6.  Getting a book written and published is going to take dedication and passion.  Lets hope i have it.

7.  Having pets... that goes along with having what i need first and being able to properly care for said pets afterwards.

So there are a few of my ponderments.

I have to work at becoming more than I am.  Work on becoming something more.  Alter the way I think to Incorperate more than just myself while twisting the environment that I live in for my own purposes. 

Now this may make me seem selfish, no? Self Serving?   Perhaps.   But I do know, the more efficient I am, the more i can help others.  The longer I stay afloat in this turbulent sea of strife and carnage, the longer i can keep others from going under.

So... lets see.  What would be a good excercise for me to do each day that might help with my ability to recognize oppurtunities. 

Already I have the ability to look at the world differently.  To take moments and just pause and look at whats going on around me.  At the sky... the way the sidewalk rolls along, cracks in stone, growth of plants, the ripples of water when it rains. 

I need to be more.   Not that i'm not happy with who i am....

I am no longer satisfied with being ok with things.

There is no doubt that i've been busy lately.  What with all this and that and the other thing.  In between it all and sleep and the sunshine i've worked out little bits here and there to send off.  I rigged my computer up so i can call, albiet with poor quality.

I miss you all very much.  I'm doing well however and should not be worried about.  Yarr.   I would like a little bit of communication though.  *nudge nudge wink wink* eh govnah?

Rar. no, not the file format. It's a sound, a vocalization of a feeling.  There is also of course Rawr, but that is a different thing all together.  Then there is Grrr.  for me... grrr works wonders.   not to be confused with Grrr!.   Most of the time the latter is accompanied with a waggle of the eyebrows or some other such measure of movement.  

I'm talking rar.  Almost a sigh, mixed with frustration and an incy bit of anger.  

Frustration comes from a lot of things.  In this case its the by product of my mind's struggle with certain ideas.  Breaking them down and understanding them.  This is very important because I came up with the idea.  Such strange complexities lace my subconsious. 

I believe in myself. At times that is more difficult than others, but i believe in what I do and what I should do.  Things might not happen for a reason, but that doesn't mean that there isn't a method to the madness.  Every action is met with an oppisite and equal re-action.  I just think that it doesn't happen all at once.  There are delays in life. 

So... Rar.

Bound.

Stripped.

Stricken.

Hit.

Bleeding.

I Succumb.

Bound by wild unrelenting and pure emotion, I find myself stripped of all hesitation. 
Stricken suddenly with utter freedom i find myself hit with a endless wave of feelings.

Bleeding from every pore of my body, that four letter word finds it's way out.

I succumb to the grand intensity of it all.

Interesting how words in the right context flicker with new life.

Okey doke.  So heres the thing.  I've been having all these crazy dreams where i'm back in Japan.  Usually in the dreams I end up wandering the streets, searching for something.  More often than not, that something is food.  It isn't because i'm starving in the dream, its that i'm craving that specific taste.  That certain something for my tongue to triapse about with.  One thing in common most of these dreams have is that i do not ever eat in them.  I just spend the entire dream looking for these restaurants.  I'll find them yes, no doubt about that.  But when i sit down ready to eat i'll wake up.  How do dreams know when to do that?  Seriously.... I mean you could be achieving that moment you have always strived to complete one moment and the next moment you wake up.  And it isn't that you just wake up... its because you have to wake up.  Your alarm is going off, or your room mate is shaking you or some other strange event like that.

ANYWAYS... i've had enough of all of that.  So i went out bought some curry mix, rice, meat and got to work.

After about half an hour of work i have a meal that, while it clearly isn't what i've been dreaming about, its close enough for me to enjoy.

Yum.  Happy eatings.

I'm sitting here in a towel.  I just took a nice bath and i'm pondering.  What should I eat.  I have ground beef, bacon, eggs, noodle mix, spaghetti, sauce for said spaghetti, bread....  oh yea, i have left over curry and rice. 

Any suggestions?

There are countless things that frustrate, upset, annoy, aggrivate and just plumb make me mad.   I do my best to vent these negative emotions that you tend to absorb from the world around you.  But rather than just vent anywhere... like spitting mouthwash out of a car down the free way, i try to find a constructive way to let it out.  Where no one is hurt by the fury of partially digested rage.  There are a lot of things that could cause us to rage.  Some of it is caused by the little stuff.  People being inconsiderate... stuff like that.   Some of it is caused by people blatently just not giving a damn about how thier decisions affect you. 

This is part of the reason i keep a blog.   So i can figure a way to deconstruct these emotions i have a hard time understanding (both what is causing them and what it means to me) and rebuild them into something that makes sense. 

I've played plenty of video games where limbs are cut off, heads are blown off, people are blown up, thrown around like rag dolls (hence the name rag doll physics), liquified, electricuted, burned, frozen, crushed, eaten alive, ripped in half, and lets not forget vaporized by vengeful ghosts.   I've also seen my fair share of  violent movies with again the list above.   There have been studies done where they have two people doing different activities.  One person is playing a game like Doom (wooo doom, run and gun and boom and fireballs!) and the other is playing solitaire.   .....  ...  ... I doubt that the results would be very shocking.   Now... lets say you have two people in different situations.  One person in a room full of people who constantly tease and redicule and generally exclude said test subject, and for the control we will put the second test subject in a room by himself playing solitaire.   Again I doubt the results would be very shocking.   Test data can be taken and applied (quite liberally by some) to show numerous different things. 

People are not lab rats.  When you have an experiment you need a control.  A control is a situation that is supposed to show a normal occurance without a catalyst interveining.  All our lives we are showered with events that act as catalysts.   When I was in a car accident, I happened to be wearing my seatbelt.  If I had not been, I probably A.  would have died, B.  Would have been paralyzed in any number of ways, C. Lost a lung D. Ended up in a coma, or any mixture of the above events.  But I did wear a seatbelt.   All I did get was 27 stitches and a totalled car.  Needless to say, I will always wear my seatbelt from here on out.  I've heard of people who have said that not wearing a seatbelt saved them.  Thrown clear of a vehicle and where they were sitting is left a crumpled up space.  Two situations that are alike, resulting in two seperate results.  The situations are not Identical.  You and I are not Identical.  You and I both react differently to any number of events.  We deal with stress differently, we deal with pain differently, we deal with people differently. 

You have heard it many times by many different people.  Everyone is unique.  There can be no control.  Nothing is 100% 

I for one like it that way. 

I guess all I'm really saying is people would rather find a scape goat than to deal with the problem.  Rather try to medicate symptoms than deal with the disease. 

"The Incredible Hulk" was an awesome movie.  I highly suggest seeing it.  It breaks away from the "first" movie and while the break isn't very clean, what with a new actor playing ol' brucey boy (Edward Norton), I love the direction it takes. 

Clean shots, clear dialogue, a plot that builds to a climax pleasantly, and enough explosions to shake a stick at.  With Norton in the role of Bruce Banner, your not waiting for him to get angry, but you don't mind when he does either.

Check it out, it fits well into the Marvel movie universe with of course S.H.I.E.L.D. interjected slightly into the plot.  

Slight Spoiler Warning!  (keep your eyes open for a specific S.H.I.E.L.D. agents name in the opening of the movie)  Spoiler over. 

 Like the first movie Stan Lee and Lou Ferrigno show up in the movie.  Also, according to the credits the voice of The Hulk is Ferrigno's. 

And to save you time, there are no little teaser tidbits after the credits, although there is something quite interesting just before them. 

trust me... click on the link.   Pheonix Wright can do no wrong.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFldBVWFgWo

I'm still there.   You can't get rid of me that easy.  With you... its all about transparancy, how easy it is to see right through me.   I can't wait  for this waiting to be done, who knows how long i would have run just to find out that I didn't want to get away?   You look at me and say things that mess with my head, give me hope and at the same time eviscerates my resolve.

I'm still here, never thought i would last this long.  My heart goes on an' on and on an' on, no matter how many arrows are put into it.  Thats the least I can do for the chance of love.

We are all mostly just one person.  Now some people are a little bit more, and some are a little bit less.  It is odd to be chuggin along your life and encounter a situation that causes you to step beyond who you normally are to be someone else temporarily.  I imagine that if you encounter enough of these situation... you might end up adding that part into who you are.  

Actions are often prompted by situations.. how you react is a defining moment in who you are..

Not always is this the case, if you act first you can avoid certain situations all together, again prompting a display of who you are.

You must act.  Thus, you must solidify who you are.  All I think I have to say from here is Act wisely.

So, The other day after messing around with the Spore Creature Creator, and creating a few versions of Fwiffo(who hails from Star Control II and is the alien whom i've borrowed my moniker(sp) from) I decided to download "The Ur-quan Masters".  Which is the free source code somewhat updated Star Control II.  You can download it at sourceforge.  It has been rated as one of the top games of all time by EGM and Top Hundred games by IGN. 

If you go to spore.com and check out the sporepedia and type in Star Control II you'll find countless creations based on Aliens from the game. 

If you download the game and enjoy it, stop by toysforbob.com and send an e-mail thier way letting them know you would love to see a true sequel made. 

Where we go, when we go away, it isn't very far unless of course we leave little behind for those who might know were gone.

SO then the steps we take, whether they falter or cause resounding steps clipping through the halls, speaking of the travels we will have, are the very words that will form in the letters we write back, or let die upon our fingertips.

If then the eyes see nothing of where you are, there is no point in going anywhere further.  If you have yet to sample the little things available here, why surge foreward beyond the bounds of where you have been to find something labled new.

Labels and words.  Absurdity.